On a Scale from 1 to Terrible

I consider myself a connoisseur of bad cinema. That might not sound so impressive or glorious, but b-movies and blockbuster busts are kind of a hobby of mine. I haven't seen every terrible movie ever made, but I've seen enough; enough that I feel justified in making my own categorized rating system.

Category 1: Big Hits...and Misses

These are the films that were intended to be big. Everything: budgets, costumes, actors, special effects, no expense was spared. But something went wrong. Horribly wrong. Here are some of my favorite flops:

Eragon: Based on a book written by a middle school student. No joke. The story is verging on copyright infringement due to its utter lack of originality. It consists of some unknown actors being bland, Academy Award winner Jeremy Irons being bland, and John Malkovich being...you get the idea. When accompanied by rifftrax, it is a most enjoyable viewing experience.

This image alone tells me I am not the target audience.

Transformers. All of them: I know lots of people enjoyed these flicks, but they were THE WORST!! The second one was a special brand of terrible. Maybe it was the dialogue ("Gogogogogogo! Nownownownownow!!!), maybe it was the volume of the special effects (after viewing I coined the phrase "Michael Bay headache")--patent pending--or maybe it was the number of scenes that involved dogs gettin' busy. The point is, it was the worst two and a half hours of my life. Rifftrax couldn't even make it good. It's that bad.

The Last Airbender: I have heard from multiple reliable sources that the anime this film was based on is truly excellent, which only makes this utter failure even more disappointing. Its vague non-plot and awkward non-characters will surely fill you with no excitement or interest. Rifftrax makes this film entertaining.

The Twilight Saga: I'll spare you the details on this one, I've ranted about it enough. But yes, I cannot emphasis enough how good the Rifftrax are.

This is a poster for
Pirates of the Caribbean: Corporate Greed

Category 2: Unintended Sequels

These were obviously only made for the money and we all wish they hadn't been brought into this world. Prime examples of films that could have--and should have--stood on their own: Pirates of the Caribbean, Jaws, The Mummy, the original Star Wars trilogy, the original Indiana Jones trilogy, and a plethora of Disney films including but not limited to Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, and Pocahontus. These sequels cause thousands, if not millions, of movie-goers cry out in fury, "can't they leave a good thing alone?!" (Note that Twilight and Transformers sequels don't fit into this category, because the original film stunk.)

Category 3: "Well, it's not everyday you see the dumbest thing you've ever seen."

I feel like picking a favorite category is like picking a favorite child. I love them all, how could I choose? But if I had to pick, you know, a la Sophie's choice, I would go with this one. These are the true beauties. The movies that are so bad, they're good. They are the B-rated embarassments that get them on the top of lists like "The Worst Films Ever Made," and "Claire's Most Viewed on Netflix."

I think this shot of goblins from Troll 2 really says it all

Troll 2: Filmed in Utah by an Italian filmmaker, the writer of the script spoke English only as a second language. When the cast offered to rephrase their lines so they had correct grammar and better flow, the writer and director refused. Furthermore, there are no trolls in Troll 2. The name was changed to Troll 2 post-production to capitalize on the cult success of Troll. I emphasis again, Troll 2 is in no way a sequel or related to the film Troll.
This film is funny enough to watch without Rifftrax. Seriously. And make sure you look for a pioneer era LDS chapel. It's hard to miss, there is a plaque above the door that says "___ First Ward." Don't watch this if you are squimish or nauseated in anyway. There isn't any blood, but there is a lot of chlorophyll...it's hard to explain.

Plan 9 From Outer Space: The last film featuring the silent movie legend Bela Lugosi...in the sense that he died before the the film was made, but random footage of him was used in the film anyway. Lugosi was billed as the star of the film without having been alive when it was written. What I love most about this film isn't the visible wires, the terrible plot, or hilarious 1959 psuedo-science, it's the actor that plays Lugosi's character walking around with a cape covering his face. Priceless.

The Star Wars Holiday Special: I saved the worst for last. The title of this category is a quote from Mike Nelson watching this movie. I almost put this in a category all it's own because it is so horrible. In 1978, the world couldn't get enough of the surprise hit sci-fi flick Star Wars. Lucas was high on his success and created a Christmas Special to further capitalize on said success. But rather that make it about the beloved charcaters of the film, Lucas introduces new characters: Lumpy, Itchy, Mala, Art Carney, several versions of Harvey Korman, Jefferson Starship, and Bea Arther...singing. Wait, what? Yeah, you read that right. There are a couple cameos from real Star Wars characters, but mostly it's about a bunch of Wookies. Yep, the main characters don't even talk. They gargle and howl.
It was received so poorly that it was only ever seen that one time. It was buried by Lucas never to see the light of day again. The only way to view the Star Wars Holiday Special now is to get a time machine, go back to 1978, record it off TV, and bring it back with you. It's that bad. Or you could get on the internet, find someone who did that--sans the time machine--and buy a copy from them. Do NOT watch this without Rifftrax whatever you do. Just...just don't.

Feel free to use this list as a "Movies to Watch" list or a "Movies to Avoid" list. As for me, I'm gonna go find a copy of Spider-man 3. That is some serious Category 2!!