An End of the Semester Poem

Okay, I don't write poetry. Ever. But, as the semester is finally over, I have my graduation paper work all turned in, and my brains and legs feel like jelly, I had to give over to my creative inner child. (Yes, my finals made my legs feel like jelly. My second final today included a straight hour, on my feet singing.) I am so glad I only have a semester left to deal with all of this madness, in honor of this step forward, here is my whimsical poem.

Finals are over, the homework is done!

I wish I could say it had all been great fun,

But, if I'm honest, that just isn't so.

Here are some things about school you should know:

Class always starts early

The bus is always late.

When e'er you e-mail professors

Forever you must wait.

Their responses are brief

 And never quite meet

The basic expectations

Of a students quandary.

You spend all of your money

On a textbook you despise

Then miserably sell it back

At a quarter of the price.

You jump through hoop

And loop-de-loop

Your brains they scoop

You feel like poop.

They rob you of your will to live

Then make you pay the bill

Go ahead schmoes, go back to school

I swear I never will!

Finding my Place

I always felt kind of short changed because I didn't grow up in the 1980's. All my siblings were there, it seemed like it was some kind of magical era of crazy that I just managed to miss out on. I felt lost, undefined as an individual. It wasn't until recent years that I discovered that my childhood experiences are shared by millions like me. We are the 90's Kids, and this is all the awesome stuff we had:

 We had some awesome cartoons. Doug, Recess, Hey! Arnold, Rug rats, The Animaniacs, and Johnny Bravo.  Most importantly, the best generations of Batman, Spider-man, and X-Men cartoons in the history of awesome.





I make no apologies for the music of the 1990's. Grunge happened, rap happened, boy bands happened, Britney Spears happened, the Spice Girls happened, and they were all awesome.

Squeal with girlish delight if you had a notebook that looked like this back in the 1-5 grade. Lisa Frank defined beauty for me for a good portion of my life.






Classic Skating. Yeah, I know, it was around before my time too. But the last generation to truly enjoy an in line skating rink was my generation. They became either abandoned, ghetto-fied, or dance-floored after 1999.

 oh our sweet, sweet styles. No sweat pants too bright, no windbreaker to...windbreaker-ish. No plaid shirt was too baggie, no plaid mini-skirt was too school girl. The world was our very fashionable oyster. I suppose that is why we wore the big flower hats?

I know Beanie Babies will never be worth money (as was promised us) but I would never sell mine anyway. I love their little plushy faces, and their cliche names, and their arbitrary birthdays too much to hand them over to someone else. I would, however, sell my skip-it in a heartbeat.

 Perhaps the greatest claim my generation can make is the claim on Will Smith's awesomeness. We watched him rise from being a Fresh Prince, to being an Alien slayer. I think this says it best:

          "Long before he was spending his days foisting his mediocre children on us, Will Smith was actually the perfect human specimen. He also undoubtedly holds some world record for saving the world the most times while simultaneously delivering flawless catchphrases and giving cool guy nods to the camera. The Men In Black rap song, at the time, was created and received by the public without the slightest trace of irony. Really. He was that good."


This Blog post was inspired by the following article. The above is a direct quotation from said article:
10 Things 90s Kids Will Have to Explain to Their Children

Zombie Movies: Putting the "fi" in "Sci-fi"

At the recommendation of a trusted friend, I started watching a TV show called The Walking Dead. It's your usual zombie apocalypse, survival-adventure story with a lot of shot guns, complex rescue operations, RVs, and cliff hanger endings.

Watching the first episode, I was terrified. I wanted to crawl under a blanket in a bomb shelter with a stash of grenades. But, I began to analyze the the premise, as I do with all media that frightens me, and I found enough holes in the explanation to leave my bomb shelter and grenades behind me (not the blanket, it's cold) and continue watching with minimal anxiety. 

I thought it might be helpful to share my de-terrifying techniques with anyone else who is increda-scared of zombie movies, more specifically The Walking Dead.

1) What brings about the Zombie-ism? In this case, it's a fever that kills you, then brings you back as a mindless eating machine that is also rotting.

Question: If you come back to life, why are you rotting?

'Nother question: If you aren't alive that explains the decomposition, but how are you walking around eating things?

Fact: When vital organs cease to function (i.e. heart, lungs, liver) even mindless eating machines will cease to function and fall down dead. Brains NEED oxygen and blood to move a body, tell a body to eat, or anything else.

2) As demonstrated by a scientist our heroes find at the CDC (which is all but abandoned) the aforementioned fever brings back partial brain function. Specifically, only the brain stem is active.

Question: When only the brain stem is active, don't people need respirators to breathe?

More questions: A lot of predatory animals will eat the smaller of their species, even their own offspring. What stops the zombies from eating each other? How did the dietary needs of the human body change as a result of zombie-ism? They appear to be carnivores, even though the human body needs the vitamins and minerals provided by an omnivorous or even vegetarian diet. If these zombies are so "instinct driven" that they just attack stuff, why aren't their instincts telling them to eat fruits and vegetables?

3) In a few instances, The Walking Dead has demonstrated that zombies will eat deer, or rabbits in the absence of human prey.

Obvious question: How did a slow, clumsy, rotting corpse catch a deer or a rabbit or any other woodland creature? These animals are skittish and fast. They are able to escape apex predators like wolves, coyotes, bob-cats, and mountain lions. How was the deer unable to escape one zombie when a human with a limp or a hundred pound bag can outrun a whole hoard of them? I'm seriously bothered by this plot point.

I am not even going to examine this from a theological stand point; that would be overkill (pun intended). Suffice it to say there is no impending zombie apocalypse. If film makers weren't so desperate for a scientific explanation these days, they could always fall back on black magic and voodoo for how reanimated corpses suddenly crave human flesh. As long as you are going to utilize vague, implausible scenarios, go all out and at least make it less easy to pick apart. Ya can't fight voodoo with logic.

Halloween Party

 I am on a roll! Two blogs WITH photos in as many days! wOOt! Seeing as Lee and I were in a play which consumed our Friday evening, Saturday evening/night and Monday evening/night/early Tuesday morning, we had to celebrate Halloween on Sunday. I decided to throw a party that consisted of food and games, stuff I might do on Sunday anyway. The Halloween themed decor and costumes were an added bonus.

Here are the pumpkins we carved. Lee made Jack the Pumpkin King, I made an HvZ Zombie. You can't see that his brains are oozing out the top, but they are.

They also look fantastic all lit up!


Lots of people brought additional goodies, but here are all the treats I provided. I know, it looks amazing. It WAS amazing. We still have a lot of leftovers that may last until Thanksgiving when I have a new excuse to pie and brownies.

Lee and I were Hansel and Gretel. You can vaguely see the backs of Greg and Danie who were Finn from Adventure Time and The Marvelous Mad Madame Mim, respectively.

Lee borrowed the Liederhosen from our friend Jon, the Dirndl I am wearing was Grandmary's.







Here are friends Chelsie and Shalysse. Chelsie was a card board box, and she remained dedicated to her costume. She didn't get out of her costume to sit down, eat drink, or even to watch a movie. Yeah, she sat through the whole movie as a box. Shalysse is the heroine from Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds." Kudos for originality!

Rachel thought it was so funny to jump into this picture with us that she couldn't stop laughing. This was the least blurry version.

Here I am with former roommate Jess who is dressed up like Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. This was snapped right before I swooped in and set the new record for bobbing for apples. I got my apple in 2 seconds flat. No one dared to challenge me after that. I did, however, manage to bit my lip in the process and now I have a large and rather painful sore on my bottom lip. Was it worth it? Yes.

That pretty much sums it up! I don't know if we got trick-or-treaters, we weren't home. I left a bucket of candy on the porch, but based on how much is left I am going to assume we didn't get any.

Flashback to Summertime

Mostly for Lisa and her insisting that I do this, here are some pictures from our trip to San Diego in July. I also posted some videos that Lee took, I hope they work.



Here is a picture of me and a smiling Bat Ray.

Here is Lee about to fall into a sharks gaping jaws. This little stunt set off an alarm. (Lee's arm was over the railing too far)

 Here we are with the seals. We opted to feed them and my goodness they were lazy. They just tipped their heads back and opened their mouths. waiting for food to be dropped into their mouths.

Lee and some nifty parrots.

 Notice that I didn't almost fall into the shark mouth. Also notice how strained my smile is. I might be terrified because I'm thinking of how big a shark would have to be to have chompers like that.

 The penguins are cute but stinky.













Lee is cute but stinky. I mean, the penguins...

 Dirk, Sonia, Grandma, and Wyatt on a Lego boat ride at Lego Land.








Laura and Sophie bring up the rear. Sophie managed to turn the boat all the way around in a circle...

I think Lee was making a Wookie noise for this picture.

Can you spot me hiding with Darth Vader and R2-D2?

It was really sunny on the Lego forest moon of Endor.

Lee with the smaller than life Millennium Falcon.

 We went go cart racing and Lee totally schooled me.

 We went for an evening stroll on the beach and as we were wading in the ocean. We saw a little sting ray swimming away from us. I shrieked, and fled to the beach. Lee talked me back into the water, and we saw another (or probably the same) sting ray again a few minutes later. I think we were accidentally chasing the little guy around. The tide came in very suddenly and very quickly, which pushed the sting ray directly between us and the beach. This time we both freaked out and somehow managed to get out of the water.

We also went to the beach during the day, this time to a cove with wild seals all over the place and some cool caves.

 At Knottsberry Farm, we found out that Lee has his own gift shop.

Here we are riding the stage coach around Knottsberry. It's was pretty cool.

And in the evening, the park lights up and Schroeder jams on his keyboard.

Blogger's Block

I think it's about time that I make this very special announcement: I have Blogger's Block!!

I am a busy person, but I'd love to keep my family in the loop and share some fun experiences with them. Unfortunately, I have lost my ability to write words that are good. I've had some fun ideas, but I just can't seem to turn them into complete thoughts and sentences. Here is a list of blog posts that never made it past the first line:

My laptop is very dirty. I'd forgotten the keyboard used to be white.

I've taken the first step towards registering for graduation, only 20 more steps to go.

I'm the worlds worst gardener.

Ward choir. Am I right?

Why do I volunteer my time to things that I just don't have time for?

I am determined to have a Halloween party, despite having obligations every night up to and including Halloween.

Lee is not a picky eater.

Do you see what I mean? I have a serious problem. I am going to request that my family step in and intervene on my behalf. I mean, if I can't write an entire post about my failed attempt at gardening this summer, then what kind of blogger am I???

Release your Inner Chef

I have found some truly delicious looking recipes in my stumbles. I keep telling myself I will do some real baking one of these days, and when I do I will make some of these incredible desserts. That day has yet to come, but I thought I might take a step forward and share these dreams of mine with people whom I love. People who just might make me one of my dream desserts when I come to visit them...

Red Velvet Cheesecake Brownies

My excuse for not making these little beauties yet is that I will make them in February for either Valentines day or my Birthday. Sometimes I dream about them. Seriously.




Oreo Stuffed Chocolate Chip Cookies
One of these days I will put Oreos on my grocery list...

Peanut Butter Pretzel Bites

So simple and delicious, why don't I just buy some pretzels already?
I'm pretty sure if we got pretzels, they'd be gone before I had a chance to make anything. Same goes for the Oreo cookies.

Chocolate Cookie Dough Truffles

They just look so pretty. If I made them, they'd probably be a little sloppier, but they would be delicious all the same.

Maybe you will make one of these magical desserts sometime. If you do, invite me over (and make sure I can come). However, I am going to assume that no one is going to make these desserts, and we are all now in the same boat of mouth-watering longing. Don't be surprised if you start dreaming in red velvet from now on.

The Art of Procrastination

As the school year begins to lose some of it's novelty and excitement, students everywhere struggle to stave off their arch nemesis: procrastination.
Procrastination takes many forms, but I would like to take a moment to share with you my personal favorites.

1) The world's top search engine and research tool is also the easiest way to avoid work because it's so similar to real work. For example, I need to find some more music by a specific composer. I google his name, listen to some music on youtube, read his bio, and look up some music books. All of this I need to get done, but it is perhaps not as pressing as writing an analysis of Pre-Classical musical expectations for my history class, because the analysis is due in two days.

2) I never spend more than a few minutes on facebook--social networking is just not very time consuming--but it is always just there. It's a little something to do when you don't want to do your homework. It's a tiny but effective procrastination technique.


3) The greatest lie ever told: "I can do my homework while I watch a movie that I've seen a thousand times." Netflix has made this easier than ever, and if it weren't for my determination to graduate in the spring, I would probably be watching some darn thing right now.

4) I feel that if the tumblr Reasoning with Vampires was updated 20 times daily, it would be more of a time suck. As it is, it can't even eat up more than a minute of my 'study time' each day, much to my own chagrin. But, I thought I might share a hilarious little tidbit that was posted today:

5) My final procrastination tool probably comes as no surprise. I am quite certain that all of you use it for the same reason, and probably just as frequently as I do. It is, of course, blogger.

Now, as the conclusion of this post, I would like to thank all of you for making my procrastinating dream a reality. I will now return to the following productive activities:

Finishing my Caine Ambassador application
Writing my analysis of a Beethoven Trio
Memorizing a Bernstein song cycle
Practicing piano
Cleaning house
Making dinner


...All while watching back to back episodes of Psych!

Satiric Publicity is Good Publicity

I am continually intrigued by the kind of publicity the church gets. Whether it is because of a Tony award winning musical, presidential elections, or a really crappy book series, Mormons and the news are going to be spending a lot of time together in the next little while.

I would like to share my favorite piece of publicity that the church has recieved:

Yaweh or No Way?

I hope you all learned something. Tigers can be Catholic.

Google is Worse than America

Google and it's various products (Gmail, Blogger) are officially more complex that the U.S. Government. Getting a new Social Security card was much easier that getting a new e-mail address. I have spent HOURS trying to delete previous, out of date emails, transfer contacts, and allowing my self to become an administrator on my own blog. I was very tempted to just wipe the slate clean and start all over again, but I persevered. Now, I am successfully posting on my blog as phillips.claire89@gmail.com! The fight isn't over yet, however. Lisa, if you want me to read/comment on your blog, please invite my new e-mail address.

I am toying with the idea of re-designing and re-naming my blog. Does anyone have any suggestions??

Google Yourself.

I googled myself today. Here is what I found:

about 17,600,000 results.

Claire Phillips aka Dorothy Fuentes aka "High Pockets"-- a singer/dancer/housewife turned spy in the Philippines during WWII. She opened a club for Japanese officers and collected intelligence from them for the American troops hiding out nearby. She also raised money to alleviate the suffering of POWs. Phillips got the nickname "High Pockets" because she hid money and valuables in her lingerie.

PBS.ORG

Claire Phillips-- author of the novella "Black Market Babies" and soon to be novel "Ever Chemical" award winning poet and currently teaching at the Southern California Institute for Architecture and the Art Center College of Design.

KQEDARTS.ORG

Claire Louise Phillips-- post doctoral researcher in the field of plant soil and Ecophysiology.

clairelousephillips

Claire Phillips--renown british portrait painter.

clairephillips.com

There is also a singer Claire Phillips on myspace, a producer Claire Phillips on IMDb, and an online obituary for Claire Phillips. She wants her ashes scattered in "the four winds of Nevada." I also found a Claire Elizabeth Yolande Christiana Phillips, but not till page 15. I didn't look through all the results, but I looked through a lot of them. No, I do not think I made it into the top 17 million hits. The question is, of which of these Claire Phillips shall I steal the identity?

Translating made Fun and Easy!!

Today, Lee was trying to help me with my homework. I am in an online Italian 1010 course. Yeah, I know. How are you supposed to learn a spoken language without speaking to anyone, right? Anyway, he was flipping through a phrase book I bought before my trip last Spring and stumbled upon some "fun" phrases.

These are phrases your average tourist needs according to Frommer's Italian Phrasebook and Culture Guide. Copy and paste these into google translate, I dare you.

Some selections from the Nightlife section:

Ti desidero.

Restiamo solo amici.

Prendi la pillola?

Torno a casa domani mattina.

Credo che questo sia stato un errore.

In the Health and Safety section, these are the first four phrases under "Medication"

Mi servono delle pillole del giorno dopo.

Mi servono pillole anticoncezionali.

Mi servono pillole per la disfunzione erettile.

Ho perso gli occhiali da vista e me ne servono di nuovi.

My question is this: What is Mr. Frommer doing when he's in Italy?

Because I am in an Italian class where I pretty much teach myself from a textbook without aid of an instructor, I found it necessary to find a good online translator. There are A LOT of websites that do free translations, but they usually provide sub par translations. It is important to understand that in every language there are words that won't translate, concepts that get lost, and sentence structures are different all over the world. However, with my test you can separate the proverbial wheat from the tares.

Enter the same phrase into every site you go to. It should be a phrase with basic vocabulary, in the present tense, and no structural complexities. As you translate the phrase, copy and paste the translation and translate that to a new language. Do this several times before returning to English.

Free Translation: The big woman dances with the short man tonight.

becomes: kvindenat short-term dans.

(English to Spanish to French to Russian to German to English to Chinese simple to English to Danish to English to Greek to English)

Babel Fish: The big woman dances with the short man tonight.

becomes: Big woman L dances tonight with the short persons

(English to Spanish to French to Dutch to English to Russian to English to Chinese simple to Chinese traditional to English to Greek to English)

Web Translation: The big woman dances with the short man tonight.

becomes: Dance with people long black woman briefly tonight.

(English to Spanish to French to Russian to German to Italian to English to Dutch to English to Chinese simple to English)

Translate Reference: The big woman dances with the short man tonight.

becomes: Fat women dance the night only.

(English to Spanish to French to Russian to German to Danish to Chinese simple to Italian to Greek to Hebrew to Polish to English)

Google Translate: The big woman dances with the short man tonight.

becomes: Dancing with the main man short night.

(English to Spanish to French to Russian to German to Italian to English to Chinese simple to Greek to Hebrew to Danish to English)

And there you have it! None of them are perfect, but in my experience, google translator is the best. Try it for yourself next time you're bored!

Concerns.

I've already ranted about this once, but it was a long time ago. Last time I took a stab at Twilight, I used official looking charts and graphs. I wanted a visual aid to help readers understand the horror. I see now that my graphs, though entertaining, were not backed by any real research and are, therefore, not substantial enough evidence to support the claims I have long been making: That Twilight is a threat to society.

I have found a slightly more reliable source. I intend to prove my point using text from the book series itself. Everything you are about to see that looks like an excerpt from the book, IS! Everything that looks like someone inserted a comment or correction, IS EXACTLY THAT!! This may be a shocking experience for you. If there are children in the room, you may want to ask them to leave...but don't. They'll think this is funny too.

Meet Isabella Swan, our bubbly protagonist:

She is a very happy young lady.

She is also an independent and strong teenager.

She is, of course, very understanding of other people, their feelings, and often goes out of her way to help friends.

She is an astute observer of the world around her...

and she possesses a keen understanding of her own thoughts and feelings...

Meet Bella's boyfriend. His name is Edward. He is a hunk. And a Vampire.

Their first date was an unforgettable evening filled with romance.

They have a healthy respect for each other. Their relationship is built to last!

Edward has lots of hobbies to keep him busy...

Bella and Edward share a love that is true! They love being together.

This fantastical journey was brought to you by millionaire author Stephanie Meyer, and Dana, creator of Reasoning with Vampires. I think this quote more or less sums up this blogger's opinion of The Twilight series: