Sales Rant: Part Two

Life Lesson #48: Somethings you just have to buy in a store, salesmen or no.

I was unable to avoid all salesmen by shopping online, because I had to shop for a dress. One of those big fluffy white ones, that usually doesn't come with sleeves, but I really needed mine to have sleeves and that tiny amount of fabric and beads will probably cost an addition $200, ya know? However, I was surprised that I only hated one of the three salesmen and even liked one of them.

If any salesmen were weird enough to read my blog, they might feel I've been unfair to their profession. So here is my list of sales DOs and DON'Ts so they can at least feel they are receiving constructive feedback.

DO fetch me whatever I ask for as quickly as possible.

DON'T hand me something I didn't ask for or anything I didn't pick out myself.

DO keep my dressing room tidy and remove all undesirable items.

DON'T ask me "what do you like about this one?" because I have no idea. I probably like that it is pretty. Or that it fits. Or that it functions as an article of decorative clothing. I have nothing insightful or useful to say to you.

DO stay out of my way and refrain from throwing in your two cents worth, that is about how much your unsolicited advice means to me.

DON'T under ANY circumstances put ANYTHING on my head. I cannot stress how important this one is. If I wanted to try on a veil, I'd grab a veil. If I wanted a tacky bedazzled hair clip in my hair, I'd already be wearing one. If I wanted your hands on my hair, I would hand you a comb and ask you to start braiding. I did NOT ask for the veil, I did NOT ask for you to invade my personal bubble, and I do NOT like strangers touching my hair!

That about sums it up! If you wanted real news, too bad.

For all family and friends who live far away or just don't like to visit me, here are some pictures from the past couple of months...

To the right: Claire Burnett and Lee Phillips at Temple Square, December 22nd 2010

Next photo down, me and Lee again, just smiling and stuff.

Awww....we're ridiculously adorable!!

we also choose to do funny faces.

To the left, that is my engagement ring. Yes, I know. it's beautiful.

In the middle is a little pic I like to call "Pretension."

Aaaaaand here we are. Again. Being cute.

There is going to be a lot on my plate for the next few months, and I would like to promise all of you that this won't become a "blab about my wedding" blog. However, I cannot make that promise. This might become one of those blogs. I apologize in advance.

What I hate about Salesmen:

Life Lesson #46: There is only one Salesman of whom I have a high opinion. His name is Lars. All other salesmen will be measured against the yardstick of Lars, and will fall short.

What I hate about salesmen:

A) I hate when they hover around me, waiting for me to make a mistake and say something positive about the merchandise.

B) I hate when I tell them what I am looking for and what my price range is, and they find something that fits neither criteria and try to sell it to me, hoping I won't notice.

C) I hate when they get offended because I tell them I don't like the out-of-my-price-range not-what-I-asked-for item they just tried to sell me.

Life Lesson #47: One can avoid salesmen altogether by shopping online.

It's the end of the year as we know it...

Here is a list of fun things that have changed in the past year:

1) I am DONE writing Missionaries! I no longer have to pay attention to the price of postage.

2) This time last year, I wouldn't have been able to post a thing on this blog because the internet on my ancient PC would have been too slow. Thanks Mac!

3) A year ago, I had to do my laundry at Mom and Dad's house! Now I can do laundry at my leisure, during the week, more than once a month.

4) I used to be the best cook in my house, now I have two roommates and a next door neighbor who enjoy cooking, and do so often.

5) My room gets too warm. I have lived in basements for so long, I had forgotten that when heat rises, it goes somewhere! Namely, the second story of the house.

6) The Church has a new and waaay more fun website now. You can do some pretty sweet stuff on there...

7) The discovery of RiffTrax was in the past year, and I don't think I can express the joy that brings me.

8) I have a blog now, so I can force my family to learn new and "interesting" things about me! Awww...

Happy Christmas, New Year, and don't let the Krampus get you or your children!!

Life Lesson #45: Being at home means doing homework. Blurgh!!

I have several projects due in the next couple days, I have finals next week, I have juries, and I am writing on this blog because I don't want to study or work on any of those things right now. Will I miss doing homework when I graduate? I submit to you, I will not.

What I wish someone had told me.

Life Lesson #44: I am not very photogenic.

The Antics are doing a Ladies Night, in which all our female troupe members will perform and all ladies will a dollar off admission. That is all fine and good, but then someone had the bright idea to get nice pictures of us to use for advertising and promotions for the show. I learned in that little photo shoot that I don't know how to genuinely smile for a camera, and that I have a weird face. I wish someone had told me that I don't pose for photos very well before I went through the trauma of every other girl having some nice fun pictures, and I just looked like the messy-haired idiot who was too lazy to wear make-up that day. Here is my proof:

I was also too lazy to stand up apparently...

Or have any kind of good posture. Also, I wasn't showing my teeth...
I suggested we do a fake laugh picture because then I wouldn't have to really smile...
I don't even know what I was doing in this picture...I'm not sure I knew we were taking a picture...

I think smiling or pretending to smile had become too difficult by this point...

And this is what I look like when I laugh. I wish I'd known my face got all lopsided when I laughed, I would stop thinking things were funny just to avoid the embarrassment of this facial expression.

It's not fish, it's SUSHI!

Life Lesson #43: The secret to happiness in life is SUSHI!!!

A couple friends and I went to a sushi restaurant yesterday because they do half price Tuesdays. After a 30-40 minute wait, we began the most amazing dining experience I have ever imagined. six different sushi rolls, each one more amazing than the last. It cost each of us about 12 dollars, and I have never walked away from a meal feeling more satisfied.

They are only doing half price Tuesday till the end of the month. I intend to go every week as long as the deal lasts.

And for any of you people who are remotely interested in what I do up here in Logan, here is The Antics intro video we used for our Halloween show (There were 140 people in the audience for that show) I think the video is funny, and it'll introduce you to a few of my friends and their craziness!

The Antics' Halloween Intro [HQ]

Does anyone own a season of Fresh Prince??

Life Lesson #42: Themed Movie Marathons = Awesome.

It started back in October. Obviously, we were only watching Halloween movies the whole month. This includes children's seasonal movies, horrors, suspense, thrillers, Hitchcocks, MST3k, Vampire flicks, Slasher flicks, or anything involving Stephen King. In connection with this, we started the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Now it is November, and we continue to watch Buffy. I decided that this series falls in a broader category of film: 90's Movies. November is now 90's Movie Month. We can watched such favorites as Ernest Goes to Jail, The Mummy, Galaxy Quest, Independence Day, Wayne's World, and Adam Sandler.

Inspired by my ingenious plan, my friends are now planning the next few months based on the kind of audio-video entertainment we will indulge in. December is obviously for Christmas movies, January will probably be Sci-Fi month. In February I suggest we do half a month of Musicals and half a month of Kung-fu.

To help us prepare for the year ahead of us, what are some genres of film we should watch in the future? And, to help with this month, what is your favorite film from the 90's?

Halloween III

Halloween I: The Antics Halloween show on Friday night. We gave away prizes, dressed up in costumes, and made lots of people laugh.

In this picture there are several favorite characters such as Earl from my name is Earl, Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama, April O'Neill and Casey Jones from TMNT, and Finn from Adventure Time. There is also a Fairy, a Moth, a Dog, a Sith, Lady Gaga, and me: a Devil. For the especially observant, every body's favorite unobtrusive beanpole is in the picture as well. The question is, where IS Waldo?

Halloween II: The party at my place on Saturday night. We had more snacks than anyone should ever eat, a super rad dance party, but we were all exhausted by midnight.

I figured after being a Devil, I should be an Angel to make up for it, so here is my angel costume.

Halloween III: Actual Halloween. We were tired, feeling especially lazy, and it was raining all day. We made pumpkin soup, pasta, and watched "Let the Right One in" a pretty creepy movie. Well, I would have been creeped out if Lee Phillips hadn't been squeamish enough for all of us. All in all, Halloween was a lot of fun.

Now it's time for the season before Christmas music, but after Halloween movies: early November. And what do we do in early November? Listen to the band, The Early November!!

I'm sorry...

Life Lesson #41: I am a walking pet peeve.

1. I am the person who calls you in the middle of dinner to ask you if your car service was satisfactory, or whom you will be voting for, or why you switched insurance providers. I continue to call you around the same time everyday until you answer my questions, politely refuse, or verbally abuse me to the point that I hang up on you.

2. I am the person who puts fliers on your car while you are at the supermarket, at the movies, at a football game, or parked anywhere for more than ten minutes.

3. I am the person who vaguely hints about a mysterious personal story, but doesn't tell you the story unless you ask me to tell you.

4. I am the person who posts on their blog too often, but never has anything really significant to say about their life.

The Blog was brought to you by the number 4 and the letter DR. PEPPER!!

Life Lesson #40: Caffeine is NOT my friend.

Why, you may ask? Because when I drink something caffeinated, I get anxious and jittery (more so that usual.) Because I drank not even a whole serving of Dr. Pepper three hours ago or more, and I still feel that way. Because it is 4:40 AM and I am wide awake, in bed, blogging like I swallowed a gallon of Jet Alert. Because I have to go to work in five hours where I will talk nonstop for four hours with a voice that will be lost from lack of sleep. Because now I am incredibly thirsty and the more I drink, the fuller my bladder will be, the less likely it is that I will be able to fall asleep. Because I know I will crash in an hour or so, and getting very little sleep is far more difficult for me to deal with that getting no sleep.

Someone please hold an intervention!!

Your sweet little sister is crying out for help! She has succumbed to a nasty awful habit; one she always frowned upon and shamed others who resorted to it's sordid comfort. Claire has become a facebook stalker.

Claire doesn't know I am writing this. I am her macbook, my name is Arthur. I am so sick of looking up the same profiles and pages, I decided to take a stand. It isn't as bad as it could be, but I want to head things off before they get worse. I think Claire has a real problem, and I am only an inanimate object that can do math faster than you can imagine, but cannot think for myself. Claire is my other half, without her I am nothing.

Regards,

Arthur McBook.

French-schmench

Life Lesson #39: French is a stupid language.

In my extensive studies of the French language--and by extensive, I mean two years in middle school and half a semester in college--I have decided it is an overly complicated and ridiculous language. I mean, If I wanted to say this was my blog, I would have to say Le blog de Claire. That translates to "the blog of Claire." I mean, come on. Who talks like that??

Six months of Lessons

I realized that it has been almost exactly six months since I first started this Blog, and therefore, it is a record of all the important life lessons I have learned in that period of time. Isn't that sad? This understanding has led me to my newest life lesson...

Life Lesson #38: I learn very slowly.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go see if I can't make friends by yelling rude comments at self-conscious looking strangers. I don't know why it hasn't been working for me so far...

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." -Oscar Wilde

Life Lesson #37: I have become my mother.

This wouldn't be a particularly bad thing, except that I am not the current, lovable, cuddly version of my mother that walks about buying toys for her Grand kids and paying tuition for her academically inclined undergraduate daughter. Oh no. I have become the "I-have-six-children-at-home-and-I-have-to-clean-up-after-them" version of my mother. Considering that I don't even have children yet, you can imagine how this is just going to get worse from here on out.

I am the only person in my house who seems to do dishes, or keep my things out of the living room, or keeps their laundry moving along. Yesterday I made dinner for about seven hungry friends, and I told them to bring their own bowls and spoons because I didn't want to do their dishes. I let two visitors use our dishes and I yelled at them to clean them up before they went home. I get very grouchy when my house is messy and I grumble about my roommates to everyone, including my roommates. However, I've asked them very nicely to please clean the kitchen and living room, seeing as I've done all their dishes. If they fail to do so, I will be forced to ask again and again until I am finally screaming at the top of my lungs that they'd better clean the house or I will ground them.

I know you all thought it would never happen, that I would forever be a messy individual, but you were all wrong. I have become a compulsive neat freak. And, in a way, I should be grateful to my messy roommates. If it weren't for their complete disregard for housekeeping, I might never have developed the compulsion that makes me more like my mother everyday.

Life Lesson #36

Life Lesson #36: Some people are more fun to wake up in the morning than others.

I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

You Might be a Tom-Boy if...

I have slowly but surely realized that I might in fact be one of those manly girls that makes men cringe. It's been a slow build to this point, but I am being to see a clearer picture of myself, and I now understand why I only go on dates about once every six months, and there is never a second date.

#1: I wear man shorts. They are comfy, unflattering, and eliminate the need for a purse. I can actually fit stuff in the pockets. I don't see a down side to this.

#2: I prefer to not do my hair or wear make-up. In fact, I don't brush my hair most days. Yesterday, when I was overcome with a strange desire to wear make-up and look nice, Sheldon and Brian gave me the look that said, "Who are you, and what have you done with Claire."

#3: I actually don't like it when a guy opens my car door. On a date it's fine, but it's cumbersome and takes a long time and it's not as if I couldn't do it myself!

#4: I had no homework and didn't have to go to work. I could have done anything. I ate pizza and drank Dr. Pepper while watching Twin Dragons (a Jackie Chan classic) and Mortal Kombat: The Movie. Excellent expenditure of my time.

#5: I love Sci-fi/Action-Adventure/Kung-Fu/War/Western movies, I am far more picky about the chick-flicks I am willing to watch. I mean, if I am going to watch a redundant, cliche plot line, there better be some sweet explosions and clever one liners.

In short, you might as well call me Bradley!!

Life Lessons 33-35 are all kind of related.

Life Lesson #33: Everything is cheaper when you split it between 8-10 people.

I am now the proud owner of a Sam's Club membership! It will cost me $4 a year to have said membership because there are ten of us using the two cards that come with said membership.

We split one Comcast bill between eight people. The wireless router is in the other half of the duplex, and they just tell us how much we owe.

Our apartment gets the Salt Lake Tribune for the next eight weeks at $.25 per paper. Split four ways, that is a little closer to $.06 a paper.

Life Lesson #34: Everything is more fun when you share it with 8-10 people.

With this number of people you can throw spontaneous waffle/dance parties.

You can make delicious Lasagna and have a fine European cheese tasting party.

You can have a Boom Blox/Brownie party.

You can enjoy any number of JAWS movies.

Life Lesson #35: Live every week as if it were Shark Week.

This week is Shark Week, and I am having a fabulous time.

Barbie Names: Part Two

Household Names:

1. Purina- A common brand of dog food.

2. Cabella- An outdoors men superstore.

3. Macy- Either a department store or a grocery store.

Body Parts:

1. Patella- The flat, triangular bone situated at the anterior part of the knee

2. Aorta- The main trunk of the systemic arteries.

3. Embryo- the prenatal stage of mammalian development characterized by rapid morphological changes and the differentiation of basic structures.

4. Placenta- A highly vascular fetal organ through which the fetus absorbs oxygen and other nutrients and excretes carbon dioxide and other wastes. It begins to form about the eighth day of gestation.

And that's it for the Barbie Names series! Thank you folks for listening. If you have any ideas for another genre of Barbie name, let me know and I might collect a few. Next time we will return to our usual format. This is CNN...I mean, Claire's Blog...

Barbie Names: Part One

I take a break from my usual format to bring you this special series of postings.

Many, many years ago, I was a small child visiting my uncle and aunt in California. They had a daughter a few years older than myself. She had a plastic little McDonald's Happy Meal bride Barbie. I coveted that Barbie.

A few months before coveting this Barbie, my father was diagnosed with Diabetes. As a small child, I had heard the word and had no idea what it meant or where it came from. For many reasons, some too convoluted to understand, I named that Barbie "Diabetes." I don't remember, but I assume I thought it was a beautiful name.

Inspired by that memory, I have collected a list of medical disorders and diseases that, I believe, a little girl like myself, would find to be a beautiful name for their Barbie. I present to you:

The Diabetes List:

(in no particular order; definitions complements of Online-Medical-Dictionary.org)

1. Alopecia- An absence of hair in areas where normally present.

(Ah-lo-pee-shuh)

2. Rosacea- An acneiform eruption occurring mostly in middle-aged adults and appearing generally on the forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin.

(Ro-zae-shuh)

3. Malaria- A protozoan disease transmitted by the bite of an infected female mosquito of the genus Anopheles. It is characterized by extreme exhaustion associated with paroxysms of high fever, sweating, shaking chills, and anemia.

(Mah-lair-ee-uh)

4. Jaundice- A clinical manifestation of hyperbilirubinemia, consisting of deposition of bile pigments in the skin, resulting in a yellowish staining of the skin and mucous membranes.

(Jawn-diss)

5. Anemia- A reduction in the number of circulating erythrocytes or in the quantity of hemoglobin.

(A-nee-mee-uh)

6. Melanoma- A malignant neoplasm derived from cells that are capable of forming melanin, which may occur in the skin of any part of the body, in the eye, or, rarely, in the mucous membranes of the genitalia, anus, oral cavity, or other sites.

(Mell-ah-no-muh)

7. Hernia- Protrusion of a loop or knuckle of an organ or tissue through an abnormal opening.

(Her-nee-uh)

8. Rubella- An acute, usually benign, infectious disease caused by the RUBELLA VIRUS and most often affecting children and nonimmune young adults.

(Rue-bell-uh)

9. Gonorrhea- Acute infectious disease characterized by primary invasion of the urogenital tract.

(Gon-or-ee-uh)

10. Hemophilia- It is an inherited disorder of blood coagulation characterized by a permanent tendency to hemorrhage.

(Hemm-o-fee-lee-uh)

11. Cholera- An acute diarrheal disease endemic in India and Southeast Asia whose causative agent is VIBRIO CHOLERAE. This condition can lead to severe dehydration in a matter of hours unless quickly treated.

(Kahl-er-uh)

12. Palsy- A general term most often used to describe severe or complete loss of muscle strength due to motor system disease from the level of the cerebral cortex to the muscle fiber. This term may also occasionally refer to a loss of sensory function.

(Paul-zee)

Stay tuned for my next installment of the Diabetes List. What aspect of the human existence will I pull appropriate sounding, inappropriate Barbie names from next?......

Life Lesson #32

Life Lesson #32: Childhood memories cannot do justice to the peoples and characters contained therein.

I decided to face one of my childhood fears this week by watching Labyrinth. David Bowie has scared me for as long as I can remember. From the hideous mullet, and the transvestite make-up, to the flouncy blouses and crotch-stuffed "pants," The Bowie from this 1986 cult classic has given me nightmares for the better part of two decades.

I knew some portion of my phobia was connected to the formative years in which I was exposed to Labyrinth and the hideous side of Mr. Bowie that it presents, so I decided to swallow my fear and attempt to watch it once more.

What I saw was hideous.

While the puppets and story were less terrifying than my five-year-old self recollects, My fear of David Bowie has, if anything, increased. But he is not the only well know character who has struck my heart with fear, and instilled in me a desire for greater physical fitness, simply so that I might run away from him more quickly. There are a number of them, though I can narrow down my list to five truly frightening individuals. My top five most creeptastic people list is as follows:

5. David Hasselhoff- I am not sure whether it is the horrendous music video for "Hooked on a Feeling" or the affinity for speedos that got Hasselhoff on this list, but if there is a tangible reason, it would probably be one of those two.

4. Gelflings- They have noses, but no nostrils. I can hear the taller ones thoughts as he narrates his way through The Dark Crystal. I think Ballet legend Gelsey Kirkland might be one of them. Yes, Gelflings, though not commonly thought to be real, made my creepy people list.

3. Cillian Murphy- You might say, "Oh, Claire! You just think he's creepy because he's the Scarecrow!" or "You just think he's creepy because he's the villain in Red Eye." No. He wasn't a bad guy in Inception, and he still gave me the heebie jeebies. Cillian Murphy is just creeptastic.

2. Carol Channing- This star of stage and film won her way to this prestigious list for her performance in Thoroughly Modern Millie. Specifically for her "singing" of "Jazz Baby," and her insistence on saying the word "Raspberries" at inappropriate times.

1. David Bowie- The King of Creep. His performance in the movie Labyrinth placed Mr. Bowie in first, though his very existence would get him in the top five. Nothing else gives me more consistent nightmares and disturbed thoughts than imagining his face or hearing his voice.

Honorable mention: Jemaine Clement dressed as David Bowie in an Episode of Flight of the Conchords.

Life Lesson #31: Health and comfort are never the same thing.

I suddenly remembered that I had a summer goal of being health conscious and all that malarky, and I realized that my summer has been to comfortable for that goal to have been reached. If you are: Not sore, not hungry, not hot, or you are reading a book, your--and by you I mean me--physical health is lousy at best.

Twentieth Blog Anniversary

I have proudly reached my 20th Blog mark, and as such I am going to share 10 important Life Lessons that hopefully you have already learned.

LL #20: Don't eat yellow snow.

LL #21: Humidity sucks.

LL #22: You can change a poopy diaper, or you can breathe through your mouth and wait for the kids mom to get home. Sorry, Lisa.

LL #23: Twilight was clearly written to be a comedy and has been misread by millions of teens.

LL #24: Children six years old or younger do not cook well, they should not be permitted to do so.

LL #25: Sometimes, breathing through just doesn't do it for ya. You have to change that friggin' diaper. Dang.

LL #26: Pixar movies are seriously well made, original, and terrific.

LL #27: Rankin and Bass, producers of such classics as "The Hobbit" and "The Return of the King," Never produced any good cartoons.

LL #28: I had no idea that I knew how to spell Ratatouille. I now know that I do.

LL #29: My phone is a better camera than my camera. My camera is getting jealous.

LL#30: My life lessons are really trivial.

Nerd Conference: Day Three

I just finished up my third day at the NATS--not to be confused with gnats--conference in Salt Lake City. I have learned more life lessons that I could ever hope to share and shan't burden you with those details, but I learned at least one lesson that should be universally accessible.

Life Lesson #19: Anytime people with a similar nerdly pursuit gather en masse, it is an absolute certainty that the 'jokes' will be laugh out loud funny. However, if those 'jokes' were ever told outside such a setting, all they would get was a blank look and an awkward pause. Maybe a pity chuckle.

Voice part jokes finally go to their due this weekend at the 51st annual NATS Conference. For those of you who are not deep enough in the vocal world, NATS stands for National Association of Teachers of Singing. As a student of vocal music, and a conference volunteer, I got to attend this conference for free, and get a discount on tickets for the Kelli O'Hara conference recital. (if you are not familiar with this broadway superstar or her work, GOOGLE HER NOW!!! Seriously, stop reading this for a minute and google her.) I also got the chance to laugh about how unintelligent tenors are, how difficult Leonard Bernstein was to work with, and how clavicular breathing is dumb.

All of you are sitting and reading this right now thinking, "none of that stuff is funny." No. It's not funny to you, nor is it very funny to me by myself at my house, but to 700 Voice teachers/Choral Directors/Operatic directors/Artistic directors/Pedagogues/Vocal Scientists/Professional singing artists, they were worthy of full on guffaws.

Life Lesson #18

Life Lesson #18: I am not a child.

Spending a lot of time with children helps one to realize that they no longer have a childlike attention span for play, nor a childlike lack of attention span for more...stationary pursuits. Like reading.

To anyone and everyone: Please give me some brilliant ideas of ways kids can have fun. They should not cost a lot of money (if any) and they should appeal to boys--ages 6-10--and girls...age 2 or 3...Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Video of the Week:

Picture this: It is a saturday night, the kids are in bed, and you want to relax and have a laugh. Then you need to pop some popcorn and watch this series of youtube videos. I warn you, it is fairly long, but most definitely worth your while. Your life will be complete only after you have watched in it's entirety The Very Potter Musical!

Life Lesson #17

Life Lesson #17: You are NEVER too old for Legos!

For Example: At age ten, I loved to build huge awesome lego castles and pirate ships.

At age twelve, I loved to build huge awesome lego castles and pirate ships

At age twenty-one, I love to build huge awesome lego castles and pirate ships.

Video of the Week:

This video is one of the most quotable videos I have ever seen. If you enjoy it, you should watch parts 2 and 3. However, I will warn you that those additional segments have some undesirable, foul language.

Phantom of the Office, Part 1

Phantom of the Office, Part 2

Phantom of the Office, Part 3

Life Lesson #16

Life Lesson #16: There is no price tag on faith. But if there were to be, it would probably say $9.99

I went into a store called Jesus Saves. How could that not be an amazing experience? It was everything I had imagined and more. People making a tidy prophet off the secure knowledge that people will spend any amount of money to prove their piousness to the world. I was willing to spend a little over ten dollars so people could look at my wrist and see that I am wondering what Jesus would do.

For the sake of all the 4 people who read this blog, but most especially Garrett, here are some incredible bands that I think the world needs to know about. If you already know them, good for you! They rock! Literally and figuratively.

Claire's Top 15 (in no particular order)

1. Bright Eyes: Lead singer and songwriter Conor Oberst, is one of the most prolific and most brilliant lyricists of our time. Albums I recommend: Fevers and Mirrors; Cassadaga; and I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning. Another great closely related project is Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band. Here are good examples of work by each band:

Four Winds: Cassadaga: Bright Eyes

Lenders in the Temple (Live): Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band

2. Hello Saferide: Fronted by Swedish, Grammy-winning, singer/songwriter, Annika Norlin, who is a journalist in addition to being a songwriter. Albums I recommend: Introducing... and More Modern Short Stories from Hello Saferide.

If I don't write this song, someone I love will die: Introducing..

Anna: More Modern Short Stories from Hello Saferide

3. Brand New: This is a band that has undergone a lot of changes over the years. It started out as an average, young sounding punk band. They've evolved to a much more mature rock band. Albums I recommend: Deja Entendu; The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me; and Daisy.

Sic Transit Gloria: Deja Entendu

Sowing Season (Accoustic Live): The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me

Daisy: Daisy

4. Manchester Orchestra: I learned about this rockin' band because they were opening for Brand New in SLC, and fell in love with them as a result. Recommended album: Mean Everything to Nothing.

I've Got Friends: Mean Everything to Nothing

5. Harvey Danger: Great band with some catchy tunes and impressively original lyrics. The best part is, the album I recommend--Little by Little--is available FREE at their official website! You should download it and find out if you like it!

Little By Little: Harvey Danger

6. Emily Haines: The lead singer of the Canadian band, Metric, (Which I also recommend) has a terrific solo album. She is the songwriter for Metric as well, but Knives Don't Have Your Back, doesn't really sound much like Metric's albums, like Grow Up and Blow Away.

Doctor Blind: Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton

7. St. Vincent: Annie Clark is a multi-instrumentalist-singer-songwriter from Oklahoma. The Album I recommend is her debut album Marry Me. Interestingly enough, the title of the album was taken from the tagline from Arrested Development that is frequently repeated by Maeby Funke. Sadly, the Twilight Saga has marred her career by using her music in the soundtrack for New Moon.

What Me Worry: Marry Me

8. Gregory and the Hawk: A mellow, acoustic revolution. Singer/Songwriter Meredith Godreau, plays the guitar and sings some truly heartbreaking and beautiful pieces. Albums I recommend: Gregory and the Hawk and Boats and Birds EP.

Boats and Birds: Boats and Birds EP

9. She and Him: Actress/Singer/Songwriter Zooey Deschanel--You probably know her better as "the girl from Elf"--teams up with Folk singer/songwriter/superstar M. Ward for an awesome, musical experience. Deschanel writes most of the songs, plays piano, and sings; Ward plays guitar, sings back up, and handles the production aspects of the group. Their 2 albums are named Volume One and Volume Two.

Change is Hard: Volume One

10. The Arcade Fire: Where to begin with this amazing band? I suggest you start with the Albums Neon Bible and Funeral. Another Canadian band (Music and beer are about the only Canadian industries the rest of the continent cares about) they are original and brilliant.

No Cars Go: Neon Bible

11. Rilo Kiley: Lead singer and songwriter, Jenny Lewis, fronts this L.A. based indie-rock band. They've been around for about nine years writing terrific music! Albums I recommend: Under the Black Light and The Execution of All Things.

The Execution of All Things (Live): The Execution of All Things

Silver Lining: Under the Black Light

12. Rooney: Upbeat and a perfect blend of rock and roll traditions with their own unique style. Albums I recommend: Rooney and Calling the World. They've been with a major label for most of their albums, except their most recent, Eureka, for which they joined the world of independent artists. Good for them!

When Did Your Heart Go Missing?: Calling the World

If It Were Up To Me: Rooney

13. The Format: Terrific Indie band, I have a random assortment of songs from them, my favorites of which are "On Your Porch," "1000 Umbrellas," and "Tune Out." Also, the lead singer of The Format has formed a new band called Fun that is, well, a lot of fun!

On Your Porch: The Format

Be Calm: Aim and Ignite: FUN

14. The Early November: For the casual listener I recommend For All of This EP; The Room's Too Cold; or The Acoustic EP. For the serious listener, I recommend their triple album The Mother, the Mechanic, and the Path. It is a complete story including narration, music, and different versions of songs that appear in their other albums. The band has broken up, so the albums listed above are all there will ever be.

Hair: The Early November

1000 Times A Day: The Mother, the Mechanic, and the Path

15. Silverchair: They started out as a high school grunge band from Australia, but they have since evolved into something that is much, much better. Most people know them for their first album, Frogstomp, but what is really worth listening to is their more recent albums: Diorama; Neon Ballroom; and Young Modern Station. All three of these include full symphonic orchestrations, and a very original indie rock style.

Emotion Sickness: Neon Ballroom

Those Thieving Birds/Strange Behavior (LIVE): Young Modern Station

Other Bands of Note: M. Ward, Ben Harper, Neva Dinova, Regina Spektor, Lisa Mitchell, Muse, Dream Theater, Thrice, Flogging Molly, Hot Hot Heat, and Ingrid Michaelson.

Life Lesson #15

Life Lesson #15: Real friendships and relationships can be replaced by a television series.

Since I got home for the summer, most of my friends are:

A) In Logan

B) At work

C) On missions

D) Crazy

I have been left to myself and, therefore, have to get my social interactions from sources that are...somewhat fictional. The spectrum of coping with loneliness is as follows:

I am stuck somewhere in Stage Three. Through a variety of programs, I get my fix for all my social groups, therefore, I miss out on nothing.

Chuck: By watching Adam Baldwin portray a super-muscled, gun-wielding, grouchy-but-attractive, super-spy, I no longer need to meet or look at real-life eye candy.

Big-Bang Theory: I no longer miss my exceptionally intelligent/nerdy friends. It's like I get hang out with them and have Star Wars/LOTR/Firefly/Harry Potter/Jaws marathons even though I never leave my house.

Glee: This show fills the empty place in my heart that being in Choirs/Musicals/Operas would usually fill. Sue Sylvester is like Jean Maguire--my high school choir director--and all the kids on the show are the kids I go to school with and have gone to school with for the better part of my natural life.

30 Rock: It's a little like being at improv because of the wide variety of colorful characters. In fact, each episode is like a 20 minute Stir Fry! (Most of my readers don't know what that means. That's okay. Just overlook it.)

Psych: This one makes me feel like I'm back with my roommates; pulling some ridiculous shennanigans, and referencing movies no one else has seen. Tricia, Kelsha; I miss you guys.

I may be nearing actual insanity, but I'm not there yet. If I decide to write a novella, consider it a cry for help. Do an intervention.

I hope you still remember what MST3K stands for...

Life Lesson #14: Some books/movies are great. Some other books/movies involve Stephanie Meyer.

I realize that Twilight has already been heckled into the ground by much wittier folks than myself, but I could not resist the chance to take a crack at it. I have done a bit of research and gathered some charts to help communicate my point. I feel that this very scientific approach will help strengthen my argument and that of those who spoke before me. So, without further ado, here is my scientific and well researched evidence against Twilight and it's "author."

Exhibit A: Twilight is part of the problem of low literacy rates, not the solution. People who read it are not literate enough to understand it. Obviously. People who can't read at all, must think if something that involves sparkling monsters of the night made it to the New York Times best seller list, books can't be that great anyway.

Exhibit B: Edward is creepy.

Exhibit C: Twilight possesses none of the traits that make for a great work of fiction.

Exhibit D: Twilight is read primarily by teenage girls, not our most discerning or insightful demographic.

It is this same demographic the movies are targeting...

Exhibit E: In twenty years, no one will remember it.

I feel as though I have presented evidence enough to prove my point. But if you are still not convinced or would like to make further mockery of this bizarre cultural phenomenon, I suggest visiting rifftrax.com there you can download and purchase mp3 tracks to play along with some of your favorite--or least favorite--movies. All the tracks feature our favorite voices from the MST3K TV series and Movie. I bought the Twilight mp3 and have laughed my brain off at Stephanie Meyers expense ever since. I guess Twilight has some redeeming qualities, they just happen to be the same redeeming qualities that one might find in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Star Wars Episode I, and other productions of similar caliber.

And soup, and soup, and soup...

Video of the Week:

I forgot to provide a video with my last post. Here is the video that you need to see this week! For all of you who love a good infomercial or hate a bad one, I present to you:

Spoons

Thirteen and a half life lessons later...

Life Lesson #13: The number thirteen is not unlucky.

Evidence: This is my 13th life lesson and there is nothing wrong with it.

Life Lesson #13.5: There is no comeback in a rhetorical battle for your opponent when he/she says "You're Poopy!"

A Rhetorical Example:

The names might have been changed to protect the involved parties.

Claire: It's a free country! You're not the boss of me!

Grace: You're not the boss of me!

Claire: I am when you're Mom isn't here! OH Snap!

Grace: You're Poopy!

Claire: Dag.

It simply isn't fair! I thought the comeback to end all comebacks was "I know what you are, but what am I?" Apparently the world of children's insult wars has moved on from where it was in my day...I am so out of my depth with kids these days! How will I ever maintain being the coolest Aunt? How can I convince your children that I am cool? Any suggestions?

No life lessons learned.

I chose to learned nothing this week. But, I did find an hilarious Youtube video!

Video of the Week: Trololo

This video is, once again, a whole different brand of funny as anything I've posted before. I cannot express why it's so funny to me, but the music just cracks me up!

Life Lesson #12

Life Lesson #12: Sometimes the best way to be nice is to be a jerk.

Good time to be a Jerk: When this weirdie creeper guy from Ogden hits on you so you tell him, in the bluntest way possible, that you are really only interested in dating guys who are returned missionaries who want to get married in the Temple. Being a jerk is effective at this time because he probably won't call you back.

Bad time to be a Jerk: When a poor college student working a crappy job doing phone surveys calls and asks you about the car service at a dealership you just had. She didn't know you were eating dinner/had been called a million times/wasn't interested/hated being kind and charitable to your fellow men and enjoy throwing kittens into ovens and taking candy from babies. Being a jerk isn't effective at this time because she might have had a bad day and is feeling vindictive so she schedules a call back for you in exactly one hour. If you had just taken the stupid 2 minute survey, you'd be done. If you had politely asked to be put on the do not call list, you'd be done. But now you will have to explain to some other poor college student that you enjoy eating humanitarian aid kits for disaster victims for breakfast and would sell you children's souls to the devil to avoid a bad day in the stock market. You would just be making a whole lot of work for yourself that all could have been avoided if you only knew the appropriate time to be a jerk.

Life Lesson #11

Life Lesson #11: Netflix. No really, that's it. That is the whole lesson. Why did I wait so long for something that could bring me so much happiness?

Good Example: I recently signed up for Netflix.

Bad Example: I recently signed up for Netflix.

Video of the Week:

Barats and Bereta

This Video is one of my all time favorites. I laugh just thinking about it. If you didn't like my two previous videos, this one is completely different! I hopes you enjoy it!!

The Fellowship of the Burnetts

Life Lesson #10: Every time you watch a movie, it makes it so much more fun if you cast yourself and people you know as characters in that movie.

I've done this any number of times with my friends, but I've decided to try it with my family and that most epic of all epic motion pictures: Lord of the Rings. Please don't be offended by my casting decisions; it's just for a laugh!

Gandalf- Daniel Burnett. He is the oldest in the family, and therefore the wisest. Right? Understudy: Kimball Johnston

Bilbo- Duane Burnett. He's got great stories from his adventures in Samoa, and is fond of delicious, large meals. Understudy: Sonia Johnson

Gollum- Claire Burnett. Yes. You might ask, what am I coveting? Perhaps a degree...a movie...a guitar...an all powerful piece of jewelry...who knows? Understudy: Ian Sanderson

Frodo- Dirk Johnson. Might seem like a mild mannered individual, but I think he can do pretty much anything he puts his mind to! Understudy: Weston Johnston

Sam- Laura Johnson. She is sweet and caring but also tougher than tough. Understudy: Liam Sanderson

Merry- Elisabeth Sanderson. In our childhood, she and I were always pulling crazy shenanigans. Now she is all grown up and saving Rohan and the Shire and what not. Understudies: Cooper Johnston, Katie Burnett

Pippin- Claire Burnett. Yes, I double cast myself. Everyone will remember me as the wild and slightly foolish one who got into trouble and had to get dragged out. But remember all the cool grown up like stuff I did? I grew up!...Eventually...Understudies: Stella Burnett, Sophie Johnson

Aragorn- Matthew Sanderson. The strong, honorable, and nurturing type. He's a soldier, defending his country and healing at the same time. Understudy: Rivers Burnett

Boromir- This character can be the representation of all the various boyfriends and girlfriends we've had. They seemed fine at the time, but they turned out to kinda be whiner-babies and losers. I'm sure they turn out okay...eventually.

Legolas- Garrett Burnett. Useful in a battle (of the rhetorical sort) Something of a heckler from the sideline, and stunningly good looking. *insert cheesy emoticon here* Understudy: Jordan Burnett

Gimli- Allen Johnston. He is pretty tough, pretty awesome, and also good in a fight. Rhetorical or physical. He is also something of a heckler. Understudy: Wyatt Johnson

Elrond- Jamie Burnett. I think you are slightly psychic. Also, you seem to give wise directions.

Saruman- Julie Burnett. Okay, mostly this was for the hilarity of Julie and Dan having an epic, old man fight. They are equally matched in wise...ness and...beardy...ness? Understudy: Sarah Burnett

Galadriel- Sarah F. W. Burnett. Ridiculously wise--and witty--and beautiful, and probably slightly clairvoyant as well. Understudy: Olivia Johnston

Eowyn- Rebecca Johnston. Woe to any fella who thinks he can best this lady, she has the brain, the brawn, and the beauty. She will take them down. Understudy: Grace Johnston

Now go ahead and argue about my casting decisions by way of posting comments! I will contemplate making changes if you give me a good enough reason to...

Life Lesson #9: Cold Stone's ice cream is delicious. Especially the cake batter ice cream.

Okay I didn't learn this lesson recently, but I can't seem to forget it. I rather wish I could. My bank account would appreciate it if I did.

If you thought last weeks movie was weird, I can't wait to find out what you think of this one. But it is an entirely different brand of weird, so it might be your cup of tea. I like it.

Video of the Week:

A Vodka Movie

Life Lesson #8 and Video of the week #1

Life Lesson #8: You can't have your cake and eat it too.

example: I had a cake yesterday. I ate it. Now it's gone.

Okay, I made up that example. I didn't have a cake yesterday, but if I had, it would be gone today. I have decided that I will now be posting what I like to call Youtube videos. I will post my favorite videos that I find. You may like 'em, you may not, it doesn't really matter. I just want to share the joy I've found on the interwebs.

Video of the Week:

My Hands are Bananas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RO10s_HK6d0&feature=fvst

Life Lesson #7 PART DEUX: I got the photos to actually work! Yay!

Life Lesson #7: A good prank takes a little spontaneity and a funny idea. A great prank takes a lot of planning, a once in a lifetime opportunity, and a brilliant idea.

Behold the result of months of planning! Come next week, a wedding announcement--featured here--will be on its way to Geneva Switzerland, where an unsuspecting Elder with a little over a month left will see photos of his friend/ex-girlfriend (Me) engaged to his former companion (Ben.)

The cheesiness and cliche nature of the announcement was intentional. I designed it myself, trying to make it nice enough to be believable, but bad enough to be...well, bad. If Kevin (the Elder) thinks my taste is that bad and doesn't notice that I'm not wearing a ring AND that I'm registered at a ridiculous number of places, then he deserves to be duped.

I'll tell him the truth, of course, but I could not resist this opportunity. Ben and I discovered this mutual acquaintance last fall and have been plotting this ever since. I consider this to be one of the crowning achievements of college years.