The Gump Philosophy

Life is like a box of chocolates. Pretty much all of it is good, but sometimes we don't notice the delicious goodness because we accidentally bite into the cherry-chocolate coconut super dark chocolate.

For example...

Good Things That Happened to Claire Yesterday:
Slept in late
Ate leftovers for lunch, so no cooking!
Watched TV show on my laptop
Was offered more money to go to work last minute
Played with very cute child
Ate popcorn
Ate ice cream
FREE DINNER!
Rifftrax

Bad Things That Happened to Claire Yesterday:
Got bit by child, bruising already appearing


I had such a lovely day, I really did, but battle wound is the most interesting conversation starter, so that is probably the part that I am going to remember and talk about the most. The good news is, the bite didn't break through very much skin, so there isn't any bleeding! That means I won't turn into a vampire, werewolf, or any other embarrassing teen fad.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have been enjoying Thanksgiving break. People have expressed gratitude for their family and friends, as well as other wonderful things. Right now I want to share a few more unusual things that I am grateful for.

I am thankful for indoor plumbing. It's awesome. I love hot showers and the ease with which we can dispose of undesirable waste. I am glad I don't have to wonder about who lives upstream of me and what they do in the water.

I am grateful for e-bay. I can buy things at a tremendous discount and they arrive at my door a few days later! I love that I did all my Christmas shopping this year without dealing with any annoying crowds.

I am grateful for the mystery cash I keep finding in my wallet and jacket pockets. I knew I had some cash, but I didn't remember how much or how much I gave to Lee. As a result, I never ask the question "what happened to all the money I had?" Which is a rather discouraging question. Instead, I say "TWENTY BUCKS?? What magical fairy decided to grant me this wish? It makes life more positive and exciting.

I am grateful that the worlds haters can no longer yell at me for listening to Christmas music prematurely. Tis the season, jerks!

100th Blog Post

This is my 100th post!! I finally made it! In celebration, I am going to revisit some of my greatest hits. This is a SUPER POST!! Be prepared for a huge amount of assorted greatness as we stroll down memory lane.

Life Lesson #53: It is easy to lose your vision. Going blind is easy, just look at a solar eclipse! Stop eating carrots, stop wearing glasses, turn off the lights. What I really mean is that two years ago I wrote about my various learning experiences on this blog with occasional detours into the realm of he ridiculous. It seems I haven't posted a "life lesson" since 2010.

Life Lesson #54: It's okay to transition to something new, especially when it comes to the format of your blog.

Links to the best things:

He-Man: What's Goin' On?
Batman uses Apple Maps...
How the Avengers Should Have Ended
Disapproving Baby

More Baby Names:
I am voting for Harrison Fjord and Mister Tee as my absolute favorite names ever. These guys have some more suggestions:

Top 60 Ghetto Names
Other Top Ghetto Names
Utah Names (sadly, all of them are REAL)

I think I will share some posts from my favorite tumblr, Reasoning with Vampires!

Just a reminder that Rifftrax exist and they are wonderful! Here is a clip of one that I am very excited to watch!

Rifftrax: Spider-man 3

Some other favorites that I recommend: All the Twilight riffs are hilarious, Troll 2, The Fifth Element, The Hunger Games, The Phantom Menace, High School Musical, Captain America, Jurassic Park, and Inception.

Here are some random pictures that will appease those of you who don't like words or funnies:

We rented a canoe for our anniversary last spring and took it to Bear Lake.

I did jump in the water once. Bad idea

It snowed later that day.

I made cheesecake.

I was very proud of how the cheesecake turned out.

And now, a brief exploration of the mind:

I know I am a nerd. I know the stuff that makes me geek out. I hope everyone is a total nerd about at least one thing. Being a nerd is a simple way of saying you are knowledgeable and passionate about a specific, sometimes obscure, topic.

I am a History Nerd. I love reading biographies, watching documentaries, and my favorite classes have always been history classes. Best classes I ever took? Music History (all three semesters) and AP European History.

I am a Music Nerd. I'd better be! I hate when people use musical terms incorrectly or when they pretend they know how singing works. Guys, if after five years of study I am not an expert, hows about you with zero years of study just shuts up and let's the real experts do the talking?

I am a Sci-fi Nerd. I was raised watching Star Wars. The originals are wonderful films that fire the imagination. That led to Firefly fandom (which leads to Joss Whedon fandom in general), and now I've gotten to really enjoy Doctor Who. I guess I could include "fantasy" in here to and discuss Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. The point is, I like a good story that gets me wrapped up in an adventure, teaches me some life lessons, and then sends me on my merry way with my imagination astir. Who doesn't like to get swept up by a good story?

I am an Improv Nerd. This is similar to a Theatre Nerd, but so much more relaxed; so much less competitive. I don't have to memorize lines, just live in the moment and be real. Improv has helped me with my substitute teaching more than anything else because sometimes you really don't have anything prepared. You don't know where you are supposed to be, what the kids are doing, and you don't understand the teachers vague notes. In that situation, just relax and wing it. The kids can't tell the difference.

Will run maze for cheese, I mean, cash.

I had the opportunity to participate in a research study this past week. So did a lot of other people. So, about 100 of us walked around in a circle with walls made of plywood, wearing graduation caps with bar codes on top. The objective of the study was to understand pedestrian evacuation patterns and how those patterns may be altered by the presence of persons with disabilities, but they could have learned a few other things too.

1. How long it takes for lazy kids to stop doing something that is "boring."
2. How long before everybody pulls out their phones
3. What college students will do for $50 (pretty much anything).
4. How many cookies I take is directly proportional to how long they have been on the table tempting me.
5. Whether or not humans are exactly like lab rats (they are).

The study needs volunteers again this Thursday and Saturday. If you want to know, yes I will be participating again. This time I'll bring a book. Lee can also join in the fun! Which means we will each make an extra $100 this week. As you know, $100 + $100 = Christmas!

Politics: the game where everything is made up and the points don't matter

This election was my first voting experience. four years ago, some idiots on campus messed up my registration and failed to inform me until it was too late to fix it. But not this time! I wouldn't allow some foolish volunteer to ruin my opportunity to fulfill my civic responsibility!

The only thing that came close to getting in my way is a complete and utter hatred of the DMV. Apparently, if your drivers license address is different that your real address, you have to fix it somehow through the DMV. I almost gave up when I heard those three letters. The DMV is the worst!!
Luckily, Lee figured out how to do this address fixing deal on the DMV website. He rescued me from a fate worse than voting: NOT voting.

After all this, I felt obligated to actually put forth effort and learn about the candidates of local elections. I studiously read everything on this Utah voters website. They just send short questionnaires to the various candidates and post the replies on the website. I refused to vote for anyone who didn't answer the questions.

In the end, I went to the voting booth feeling confidently informed about the issues I cared about. It wasn't until I got to the end and had to choose really local leaders--you know, the ones where my individual vote could have made a difference--that I was stumped. No where has I been able to find any information about elections this miniscule. I must admit to having voted for the people with the best sounding names.

In the end, it seems that most of the people in Utah disagreed with me about the proper persons for each position. Only one of the people I voted for actually got elected. Now I have experienced the most important part of the election process: my vote doesn't matter.

Just Stick to the Classics

This is my Disney Channel expose. It has been a long time coming, and now it is time to reveal the truth about some of the worst shows on television.

When you spend time with nine year old girls, you inevitably get stuck watching their "favs" on the Disney Channel. I curse Netflix for having so many of these shows readily available a hundred episodes at a time!

The life lessons kids are learning from these shows are not at all what they should be learning.  It is endlessly frustrating for me to see kids mimicking behaviors that they see in their favorite shows, because the behaviors are so inappropriate.


Wizards of Waverly Place
Okay, I have been forced to try to ignore probably 50 episodes of this show. Am I really supposed to believe that cute little Selena Gomez is a bully-trouble-maker-prankster? Riiiiiight...
And aren't they supposed to be wizards? They don't really do magic. Ever. Why are Mom and Dad so mean to each other? Why is this show called Wizards of Waverly Place? It should just be called Catty-but-otherwise-very-ordinary-family of Waverly Place.


The Suite Life on Deck
What kind of parent sends their kids on an eternal cruise without any supervision except an old fashioned and ineffective butler type and expects them to get an education while they're at it? Now that has been said, why are these kids so decidedly separated into succinct stereotypes? The shopaholic bimbo, the smart kid(s), the rebel, the slightly doughy nerd...oh yeah, and twins. It is a level of uncreative writing that is embarrassing. If I wrote for this show, I wouldn't put it on my resume out of shame. I would rather interviewers thought I was unemployed.

Pair of Kings
I save the worst for last. The premise is that two biologically related twin brothers--one Caucasian, the other African American--inherit a tropical island, which they are to rule as kings. Some of the clothing on the island looks vaguely, insultingly Polynesian, others look vaguely and even more insultingly Asian. Most of the actors just look white with hair only slightly darker than mine. What bothers me about this show is that the whole thing looks like a cheesy luau. I am offended on behave of Pacific Islanders everywhere. I mean, WHAT THE CRAP?!? And I am confused about how they think genetics work. It's not like children only receive genes from one parent or something. If these kids had Caucasian father and African mother, wouldn't they have physical traits from both their parents? You know, the way real people have traits from both parents? What I really can't get over is the racism that occurs just in their names. The white kid is named Brady, a normal common name. His brother from the same mother who happens to be black is named Boomer. I guess because white people get real names on the Disney Channel, but black kids get fake nicknames.

The most disturbing thing about these shows are the commonalities that occur in all of them: the way these rotten kids behave and treat others.

1. Kids are mean to their friends, parents, boyfriends/girlfriends.
I'm not talking about the kid in the show who is supposed to be the bully, the obvious example of what not to do, I am talking about the title characters. The "role models." If my friends were constantly making fun of me, I wouldn't be their friend anymore because I prefer being treated with respect. I wouldn't tolerate the constant digs about my weight, level of enthusiasm, intelligence, daring, and attractiveness. So, why are we teaching impressionable children that it's okay to treat their friends that way and that they should expect that kind of treatment from their friends?

2. There is always a "frienemy"
Because, for some reason, every protagonist has an arch nemesis who happens to hang around them all the time. No one is nice to them, they are never nice back. Sometimes they make a break through and confess that they are secretly jealous and would love to be included, but the change never lasts to the next episode. First of all, don't exclude people and treat them like outsiders. Secondly, if you are excluded, JUST LEAVE. FIND BETTER FRIENDS.

3. Bullying.
Sure, the main characters are usually the nerds who get picked on by big mean hairy kids, but as soon as someone smaller is around they immediately pick on that kid. They make fun of anyone more nerdly than themselves. They didn't learn that it sucks to get a swirly? They didn't learn that embarrassment and harassment is an unpleasant way to spend your time? Nope. They just learned that it's a dog-eat-dog world and even if they can't be at the top of the totem pole they sure a heck aren't going to be the bottom.

4. Pre-teen Dating.
There is a Twilightian level of obsession over dating for these "comedies" targeted at "children." How old are these kids? Aren't they still scared of cooties? Why are you being so rude to that girl if you are trying to make a good impression? And why, when a boy is trying to flatter you, do you turn around and say something cruel? That doesn't make you tough, that makes you a jerk. 

I guess I won't tell you to ban the Disney Channel, but I do recommend having a good book handy whenever it is on. It makes it easier to ignore the dialogue, the laugh track, the music, and the fact that your kids are, impossibly, really enjoying themselves.

This is My Life

Yesterday started out like any other day. Oh, wait. No it didn't. It started out with the first snow of the season and the power being out. I am so grateful our water heater isn't dependent on electricity. I went to work, expecting the usual chaos.

On an unrelated note that has nothing whatsoever to do with my life, for all of you teachers out there: if you need a sub the day your students are supposed to go on a walking field trip, you should inform the sub ahead of time. You should especially inform them ahead of time if they accepted the job 24 hours in advance. You had plenty of time to warn them. The sub might have dressed differently had he/she know he/she would spend the better part of his/her day outside. Also, you should invite parent helpers to keep track of the class instead of expecting the sub to keep track of 20-30 students on his/her own.

Anyway, back to my day! I left work and headed straight to campus to prepare for our Murder Mystery Dinner. It took an hour or so to get things sorted out, another 30 minutes to get in costume, and by the time all that was done our audience was arriving. It was a terrifically fun evening! The whole production went off without a hitch and we had close to 60 people in attendance. Funny thing: when you are in costume and in character, interacting with the audience can be a trifle awkward. Some of them forget that underneath that you are still a person and they can be quite rude. It's surprisingly a lot like working in a call center. You are just a voice, just a novelty and so you get treated accordingly.

We made it home around 9:00 PM. As much fun as it is to be performing, I think I will want to take a break from side projects for a while. I prefer spending at least some evenings at home.

MVP

I've been doing improv for about four years. I learned improv from people who had been improvising for ten years. I remember always feeling like their skills were so remarkable, that level of performance was beyond me.

When The Antics first started I was grateful to be part of it, even if I thought I was the least funny performer in the troupe. I definitely felt as though I was small potatoes compared to my fellow troupe members. I knew I would never be an "audience favorite," but I would always support my team mates. I assume that means that in the years that followed I was critical of my performance and looked for improvement, at least to the point that I became more experienced and confident.

I know that some of my weaknesses have become, if not my strongest assets, at least on par with those around me. It's very gratifying to say something to a room full of people and they respond with laughter because they know where you're coming from. In our competition show last night, myself and one other improviser were voted MVPs of the evening by the audience. And while it was just one show, I have been pleasantly surprised to be a standout player, even if it's only for one show.

From what I understand, it takes 10 years to become an expert at something. I am still far from expertise, but it's been a fun way to learn and grow.

First World Problems

You may have noticed my sudden increase of blog posts. This has nothing to do with my life getting more interesting. It has everything to do with the sudden realization that without homework, I have endless amounts of time on my hands. I now devote that time to hobbies and food.

Speaking of hobbies, it is finally socially acceptable to start talking about Halloween plans! I already have my costume mostly ready. Thanks to an unwanted cast off from Lisa, I have a Princess Leia dress.  I may start practicing trying to style the iconic buns this week. I want to make sure they are big enough.
Sadly, Lee's costume is presenting more of a challenge. Tight Han Solo pants are darn near impossible to find. So instead we are going a much easier route: Indiana Jones. Now I just need to find an inexpensive, yet credible looking whip.

What Movie Would Make the Worst Musical?

The Antics, with the help of a few friends, are performing a murder mystery this October at Utah State. We are writing it ourselves, so I have a lot of say in who my character is and I am writing all of my scripted dialogue myself.
I also made her a fan page on facebook! That way the smartphone carrying crowd can look up the various characters and learn more about their motives, etc.
I feel like I have given Chloe LaRue, my character, a pretty good back story! But I could use some more suggestions.
She is an aging beauty queen/actress/lounge singer who never got to be the superstar she feels she deserved to be. I am looking for a few more specifics for her resume. I have invented a few shows for her to have performed in, but I would be interested in getting some more. These need to be the quality of show that would open off Broadway and only last a couple weeks or television shows that got cancelled during season one (for good reason).

Play Examples:
How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days: The Musical
Sleepless in Seattle: The Musical
Paranormal Activity: The Musical
Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis: Doin' the Jitterbug
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: The Musical

TV Examples:
Police Divas
Name That Baby (game show host)
Sweet Heartland (for which Chloe won an Emmy. A daytime Emmy, that is.)
Cabaret: The Liza Minnelli Story, a Lifetime Original Movie

I am related to some very creative and talented people, I bet you guys could come up with some great ideas!

My Netflix Picks

When Lee is doing homework late, or I don't have a teaching job, I watch a lot of television. It's noise for when I am sick of the silence and a good background for all sorts of chores and activities. As such, I am pretty much an expert on what is what on instant queue.

My Top TV Picks

1. Sherlock
There are now two seasons available and this show is, let me tell you, blow your mind good. each episode is a movie. They are all over an hour long, which is good because there are so few of them. I cannot recommend this to you enough. WATCH IT.

2. Doctor Who
I am currently watching this series, and it is fun. I think the subject matter and language is family friendly and the aliens are goofy looking enough to not be too scary. If you want a show that has drama and action without gore, you picked the right one. Also, it is hilarious. There are several Doctor Whos to pick from on netflix, I am recommending the one that is dated in the 2000s or 2010s with Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant as the first two actors listed.

3. 30 Rock
If you haven't watching this show yet, start now. The pilot isn't great, but keep watching. The better you get to know the characters, the funnier it gets. I wasn't hooked by the first episode, but I saw the promise in it. I was well rewarded a hundred times over with smart humor, fun cameos, and brilliant performing.

4. Downton Abbey
Just watch it. Now. History is the best.

5. Parks and Recreation
Another hilarious show in the style of The Office, but with less mean people and more...diversity? The characters are great, and it pokes fun at small towns and government. My favorite character? Ron Swanson: libertarian, head of parks department, avid hunter, mustache grower, and eater of giant steaks.

Here are the rest of my recommendations in no particular order: Firefly, Dollhouse, The Kennedys, Psych, Burn Notice, White Collar, John Pinette: I'm Starvin', How I Met Your Mother, Futurama, and, of course, Shark Week.

What I Learned Today

The difference between the maturity of a 4th grader and an 8th grader is not that profound. They think they are very sneaky and hilarious. They think the rules don't apply to them and they like to push the limit till something gets broken.
For some reason the years between 14 and 16 profoundly impact the maturity of students. For some reason, 11th graders are light years more mature than their 8th graded compadres.

Worst Nightmare

We had an awesome weekend because the amazing Sarah Burnett came for a little visit! Sarah and her sister Becky came and saw the Antics' "Ladies Night" show. All female cast, tons of awesome improv. Both Sarah and Becky told me after the show that doing improv would be their  worst nightmare. Getting on a stage in front of an audience, having no idea what is going to come out of your mouth next, and you have to somehow make these people laugh. Apparently the most common phobia of them all is public speaking, but that is probably because not as many people know about improv.

The next morning, Sarah and Becky got up bright and early to run in the Top of Utah Marathon. Hmm...waking up and the crack of dawn to travel 26.2 miles on foot as quickly as possible, where other people can watch you puke, and there are no lunch breaks. Not only are there no lunch breaks, there is only water every other mile, and you can't take more than six hours. Oh, and you have to pay to do this. That sounds like my worst nightmare.

I'm glad that we could cheer each other on in our crazy hobbies! I promise I will never make you do improv, Sarah, if you never make me run a marathon.

A lot of firsts

This is the first fall that hasn't seen me going back to school.

Last week was my first experience as a teacher.

This week I had my first visit with a Chiropractor.

I've always vaguely felt that chiropractors were hookum, feel-good hippie doctors, and I'm not convinced that I am wrong. I mean, yeah, it involved x-rays and impressive looking diagrams, but it also involved some guy cracking my back and spending ten minutes on a water bed that shoots bubbles at my back. Apparently, my spine is out of alignment and my neck is very confused about how to hold itself. I am told that cracking my back and water bedding will be an effective remedy. Despite my skepticism, I did notice that afterwards that my neck felt the same way it does after Alexander Technique, so I am more or less convinced it will be helpful.

For those of you unfamiliar with AT, it is a technique that was developed by an actor around the turn of the century when he discovered that the way he walked, sat, and generally held his body effected his voice. Through further study, Alexander Technique has become like a special kind of yoga for singers, because it is so effective in  bringing about good posture, which in turns promotes good breathing, which leads rather directly to healthy vocal production.

I realize that, to most of you, AT will sound a lot more like "hippie medicine" than a chiropractor. I recognize the inconsistency of my prejudices and defend myself with the ever so mature "You're not the boss of me! It's a free country!"

I also begrudgingly admit that if I had gone to a regular ole doctor, he/she probably would have just referred me to a chiropractor to clear up my back pain. I guess I wouldn't still be struggling against my prejudice if  I hadn't seen a sign in the office that says that medicine doesn't cure people, it just covers up the symptoms. I guess these guys were still living under their hippie rocks when antibiotics and vaccinations happened.

New Perspective

I now have experienced what is considered by many to be the worst job in existence: Substitute teaching. Actually, maybe only teachers feel that way. Overall, I felt I did pretty well. I didn't lose any students and no one died.
I remember that my fifth grade class could make substitutes cry, because it wasn't just one or two of the students acting out, it was a dozen students acting out. In retrospect, that was cruel. However, all the sub needed to do was make an example of the ring leaders. Send them (us) to the office, take away recess, separate talkers from their compatriots, and give them (us) the evil eye.
I think my past dealings with substitutes have made me more prepared. I was so often part of the nightmare classroom that now those classes are no longer nightmares, they're just an excuse to cut the cute stuff and go straight for the threats and glowering.

Happy Birthday Lee!

I apologize in advance that our camera isn't working so we don't have any pictures. I will insert random  images from Google to make this post more interesting.

I think we are finally done celebrating Lee's birthday!

The cake I made didn't look as cute as this.

Celebrations are best when they are drawn out over several days, which is exactly what we did this last week. On Tuesday (Aug. 28) we went to the Brigham City Temple open house with our friends Amanda and Jon Jones.

Located approximately here, in my imagination.

Since it was Jon's Birthday on Tuesday and Lee's Birthday on Wednesday, Amanda and I arranged for a little surprise party to be in place when we got back to Logan. We ate cake and pizza, played games, and were successful in being sneaky. They didn't suspect a thing.

This is a rough sketch of what Lee looked like when everyone yelled "Surprise!!"

On Lee's real birthday, (Aug 29) we didn't have much time to celebrate. With work and school and meetings, we had a lot going on. We did, however, get all our meals for free compliments of Cal-Con, and Lee loved his present!

I thought you would like something you can use everyday without thinking about it or caring.

We continued our celebrating on Saturday when Mom and Dad came to Logan to take us to dinner and buy us some groceries. Mom also gave Lee a documentary mini-series Engineering and Empire. It combines history and engineering, so we have both enjoyed it quite a bit. In fact, we've watched most of it already.

We loooove it! But that might be  because HypnoToad is the narrator.

The final celebration came when Lee's family drove up to Bear Lake and invited us along. We spent Monday at the Lake, playing on the beach, and building sandcastles.

Don't twitch when the flies walk on your eyeballs, or Mom will realize this is just a prank.

We got the famed Old Ephraim pizza (a 28" monstrosity that the six of us couldn't finish.)

Approximately this big.

As is tradition, we got sunburned. Lee's back is a loverly shade of lobster pink, and I think I will have a new tan before the end of the week!

Honey, I swear I put sunblock on you!!

Now it's back to the old grindstone, but thanks to everyone that made this an awesomely extended birthday!

Road trip to Seattle

This was my first time in the north west, first time in Seattle. We had a lovely time. As we were driving to Washington, I learned a few things. First off, Idaho in August is the ugliest place on earth. It's yellow grass, black rock, wild fires, and it is the worst place to drive. Secondly, it is illegal to pump your own gas in the state of Oregon. They have reverted to the archaic tradition of gas station attendants. They hire people who are generally the type of people I would put at the top of my "Strangers Most Likely to Rob Me" list. Third, the eastern part of Washington looks an awful lot like Idaho. I have been trained to believe that the north west is a super green forest. When we crossed the border into Washington and it was still disgustingly dry and treeless, I was like, "Ha ha. What?" It became pretty and green after a while, but eastern Washington is a terrible place.

 Seattle has a lot of beautiful parks. The ducks that live in those parks have zero fear of people. They will eat out of your hand, we even got them jumping for food. Awesome.

 The city center has lots of cool stuff, including this funky modern art statue. And a great Science Center!

 This nice old guy working at the Science Center had some Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches for us to hold. Mine was either asleep or dead, cause it wasn't movin'!

 You probably can't see any of the butterflies in this picture, but we were in the butterfly habitat.

 Lee sits in a rocket thing...We pose with an animatronic dinosaur...This is a fun place!

 The King Tut exhibit was visiting the Seattle Science Center, so we took the opportunity to look at some very old Egyptian statues and treasure.

 This is the King Tut statue. Pretty rad. Posing in pictures wasn't allowed in the exhibit out of respect. I assume because they were scared an ancient curse or something. We got around that in one photo by having me walk around behind the mini sarcophagus that once housed King Tut's stomach!

 I'm the non-golden one in the background pretending not to pose.

 As you look at these two photos, you might be thinking that we are crazily tight rope biking. I assure you it was totally safe because of science.

 When Megan got off work (she's the pregnant one in the photo) She took us to the pier for some great seafood.

 We also saw the famous gum wall by Pike's Place Market.

 The gum was not as appetizing as these cupcakes from Cupcake Royale.

 We literally scraped and licked the wrappers clean.

 On Tuesday we went to the Seattle Temple. The GPS tried to kill us on the way there, but we managed to outsmart it.

After the Temple, we went on a tour of the Theo's chocolate factory. We tasted an 85% Cacao chocolate bar, as well as a milk chocolate coconut curry bar. We learned how chocolate is made and what it smells like in a chocolate factory. We also learned how expensive chocolate would be if farmers were actually paid real money and didn't involve child laborers. Short answer: a lot.

We had so much fun staying with Megan and Mitch, we really wished we could have stayed longer! It was fun playing games and hanging out with them. We are definitely going to have to go back and visit when little baby Aubree is born!

You've Been Warned.

I realized today that I am the worst person to go to the theatre with. Today Lee and I went on a double date to see My Fair Lady, a fine production by the Utah Festival Opera. Let me start by saying that I really enjoyed it. The orchestra was stellar, the chorus was unbelievable, Michael Ballam even pulled off a very entertaining Alfred P. Doolittle. But...
The "but..." is the reason no one (except my former roommate Jess Wallace) enjoys watching live theatre with me. I had to wait till we were walking to the car to talk about how disappointed I was in Vanessa Ballam--you read that right, BALLAM--as the leading lady, and it nearly killed me to hold it in for that long. Well, I whispered to Lee at intermission and he agreed with me. I assume because he knows better than to disagree with me about music stuff. For all the hype I have heard about how talented she is, her voice was...terrible. Presumably she was over-singing because she was exhausted by the month of non-stop shows. Maybe her vocal technique is just bad, but it was like a caricature of an opera singer without the power and tonal quality of the real thing. I would have been okay with that in a community theatre production, but this is a professional production!!
I know I am pretentious. I hate when people mispronounce Notre Dame, I correct people who say "Multiple Personality Disorder" instead of "Dissociative Identity Disorder," and I am seriously offended by those jerks who show up to a play late and have the nerve to waddle in front of me like they deserve to sit down. I think that the lowest circle of Hell is reserved for people who don't turn off their phones at the theatre and talk during the overature.
Now, I realize that not everybody has the same prejudices as myself, but I am not very good at censoring my thoughts. So if you and I ever decide to go to a show, you knew what I was when you picked me up.

Pinterestingly Enough...

You may or may not have a Pinterest account.  I have one because I like collecting things. On Pinterest, you can have collections of photos, recipes, quotes, hairstyles, and destinations without them taking up space in your home. I like that. But, there are a lot of stupid things on Pinterest. Which wouldn't be a problem except that some of the people I know post stupid things.

Here are my Pinterest Pet Peeves in no particular order:
1. Constantly pinning General Conference quotes or other inspirational quotes. I know, words are powerful, change the world, blah, blah, blah. Does sticking them in a little nook on the internet influence you for good? Really? Read a book if you like inspirational words: that's where most of these quotes come from. I don't have inspirational quotes on the walls of my home. I don't have "Bless the Mess," "Return with Honor," or even a "Phillips: est. 2011," because instead I hang pictures on the walls. I would like to tell you that I do this because a picture is worth a thousand words and what they mean to you can change depending on your needs at the time. However, that is an utter falsehood. I don't have quote posters because some part of me thinks it's a waste of money and that they are kind of tacky. (I don't think you are tacky for having them, they just don't suit my style.)
2. Similarly, I hate all the weight loss boards. People constantly pinning stuff like "How to have a tiny tummy in 8 days," and "Lose weight with these simple daily exercises!" Or worse still, the endless motivational exercise quotes: "I never said it would be easy, but you are worth it," "Every mile you run is a battle you win." If you desperately need motivation for exercising, you won't find it on Pinterest. Putting your guilt in a public forum doesn't make it go away. Besides, guilt isn't a good motivator for exercise, it's a good motivator to eat ice cream and complain about the size of your rump.
3. Contradictory posts. Like all those exercise/weight guilt-ers posting an article on helping children to have good body image. If you really want your kids to love their bodies and think they are beautiful, then stop talking about how "fat" you are, and stop treating larger people like they are stupid for having more girth than you. You are part of the problem! Another common contradiction I see is that mormon ladies pin clothing that is actually too revealing for them to wear. Especially in their "For My Future Wedding" boards. They pin a picture of a couple in front of the Salt Lake Temple with a "Together Forever" caption. The next pin is a strapless wedding dress with the caption "OMG I MUST HAVE THIS EXACT DRESS OR I MIGHT DIE!!!" Maybe they meant they wanted the dress altered to be temple appropriate. However, if you are planning a temple wedding, you should really just look at the dresses and styles you could actually wear. Those drastic alterations almost never look good.
4. Wedding boards. I don't say that people shouldn't have them. It's actually a great resource for getting an idea of what colors, flowers, and styles you prefer. I post wedding stuff because I like them and maybe I want to plan weddings some day. I just think it's funny that girls have to have an apologetic board title like "Someday," "I'm totes not engaged yet but...whatevs!" or "I just like wedding stuff but I am totally not one of those baby-hungry crazy girls so don't think I am weird for having a board for wedding stuff." It's OKAY if marriage is one of your goals in the near future and you enjoy planning out your dream wedding with a little online scrapbook of pictures. Lots of people do. No one is judging you, they are repinning whatever you find just as fast as their little mouses can click.
5. Over pinning. Sometimes I go on a kick and I find all these great pictures of dancers that I love and want to keep. Or I find some fabulous memes and funnies that I want to show Lee later. But when you pin,100 things in one day, those posts are the only ones your followers will see. It's like spamming everyone with your favorite things so they can't find the things that they love. If you never spend more than an hour on Pinterest, this will never be a problem, so maybe just monitor how much time you waste on the interwebs.

Episode III: R____ of the (insert warrior title here)

I hope you are looking at that title and saying, "I see what you did there." There are tremendous problems with this final film. Huge! But I have salvaged it by essentially re-writing the whole plot!

Problem #1: Pow! Wow...
There are, once again, more action sequences than make sense. The settings of some of the scenes are so ridiculously dramatic that they distract from the drama. I assume Lucas did this to make sure no one noticed there was no drama or passion in the story. We noticed.
How to fix it: Remove the whole opening sequence. Scrap it. The Emperor never got "kidnapped." It was a stupid way to cram too much noise and visual effects into the first 10 minutes. Once again, remove ALL Yoda fight choreography. In my version, Yoda is still portrayed by puppeteering legend Frank Oz in voice and in action. Put the remaining fight scenes in settings that are less ridiculous. No volcano, stop having Obi-wan fall impossible distances and walk away without a single injury, and stop with the "light saber escalation!" Ever since Darth Maul had a double-edged light saber, there has been an increase in the number of light sabers used in fights. Four? Seriously? And as long as I'm on the subject, why is Darth Maul the only one with a unique design for his light saber? I would assume that Jedi would all have distinct weapons that take advantage of their anatomical structure, fighting style and...you know what? Nevermind. I digress. Take away the entire fight/chase with Obi-wan and General Coughing Robot. In fact...

Problem #2: A New Villain? Really?
General Grievous is a stupid wasted character. If you still needed an extra villain, then don't kill off the last one! Why is there a new appendage bad guy in every film? A good villain is hard to come by. In the Star Wars universe, Sith Lords and their mindless accomplices seem to be a dime-a-dozen.
How to fix it: Get rid of the character. If Palpatine was never kidnapped, then Dooku was never killed. And, as we all remember, Dooku is also not a Sith; he is just an idealist led astray. What if instead, Obi-wan and Samuel L. Jackson are sent on a mission to capture Dooku so they can establish a peaceful end to the civil war. A little light espionage and some moderate light saber vs. droid action later, he is in custody. They begin to interrogate him and they learn all that he knows or has been lead to believe. They find out he has been lied to about the Jedi, but that he also believes the Republic is being ruled over by a Sith Lord. Once they convince Dooku that they are not there to assassinate him, they being to do some detective work to uncover the truth. Why was there a clone army ready for the Republic's use right when Dooku had enough followers to have a potential civil war? Why would someone have lied about the Jedi to Dooku and what did they have to gain by keeping him in the dark?...

Problem #3: Ultra-Sounds
So you expect me to believe that a society that has achieved light speed travel to other planets, mind controlled prosthetics, and droids that can creatively problem solve, understand humor, and have definite personalities, DOESN'T HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO RECOGNIZE THAT A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING TWINS??????!?!?!?!??!
How to fix it: She just finds out that she is probably pregnant when Anakin goes evil. He finds out she's pregnant but she is at such an early stage of pregnancy that there is no way to tell she is having twins. Like, the early enough stage that she wouldn't have told anyone except her husband.

Problem #4: The Journey to the Dark Side
The concept that Anakin just turns to the dark side to learn how to keep Padme from maybe dying is so stupid that I can't even explain how pathetic it is. It's like...stupider than adding an extended musical number into Return of the Jedi. It's stupider than casting a nine year old in a Star Wars movie and having him say "Yipeee!" repeatedly. It's almost as stupid as medichloreans!!
How to fix it: This is the part where I re-write the entire plot. Anakin has been spending a lot of time with the chancellor for one reason or another. He complains that he hasn't been advanced to the rank of Jedi Master yet. Keep in mind that his marriage isn't a secret and that the Jedi have no rule against getting married or falling in love. It just so happens that most Jedi don't get married because they are "married to their work" so to speak. Palpatine plants in Anakin's mind that the council haven't advanced him because they doubt his dedication. He convinces him that the Jedi look down on him for being a family man and not just a career man. That isn't the real reason, but it's what Anakin thinks. Add that to the perceived betrayal by Obi-wan that I planted into the previous film, and this Anakin is filled with frustration about his professional life. I think it's safe to assume that causes some domestic troubles. Eventually Palpatine would convince Anakin that Padme's life is somehow in danger from the Jedi. He would provide a way for Padme to die and make it look like it was at the hands of the jedi. The fact is,   Palpatine would gain more control over Anakin if Padme were dead. He wouldn't have to fight for his apprentices devotion if his wife is out of the picture. But, Anakin manages to save Padme and probably kill whichever Jedi was close enough to look like the culprit. Palpatine pushes him to use his anger to his advantage and become more powerful blah blah blah... Anakin is further convinced that the Jedi are secretly out to get him and his wife, and that they have been manipulating him.
Anakin is asked to help lead an attack on the Jedi Temple--as occurs in the film--but it's not so much a slaughter as it is a regular old fight and a lot of Jedi get away. There are no extremely small children there because I decided in my last post that no one under 12 is admitted to the Jedi order.
It is at this point when Obi-wan arrives on the scene. He tells Anakin that Palpatine is a Sith, Anakin thinks Obi-wan is trying to manipulate him further. Maybe Anakin and Obi-wan have their confrontation at this point and they fight until Anakin is severely injured. This does NOT occur inside a volcano, so close to the lava that spontaneous combustion is unavoidable. There are NO ridiculous scenes of fighting while swinging from ropes or on moving platforms. This fight is about Obi-wan pleading with Anakin to believe him and Anakin being too full of rage to see the truth. Anakin is badly hurt, but Obi-wan can't bring himself to end kill his apprentice. So he goes to the Jedi Temple to find out what happened. It is then when he learns the full extend of Anakin's betrayal.

Problem #5: Drama
At no point in this movie does Lucas take advantage of the talent of his actors. He puts them in sterile green screen environments and has them pretend to do stunts. He never raises the emotional stakes to a point where I feel anything for anyone on screen and I don't see them feel anything either.
How to fix it: Obviously, fixing this includes fixing the script, the directing, and the design of the film. I am just going to select a specific moment wherein I saw a missed opportunity for real drama. If you are a Gone with the Wind fan, you may remember a scene where Scarlet is helping as a nurse in a church-turned-hospital. She is asked to assist a doctor with an amputation. There is no medication to ease the pain of the soldier fated to lose a limb. We don't see the amputation, we hear the soldier screaming and pleading for the doctors "Don't cut!! Please!!" while the camera is trained on Vivien Leigh's face. You see the whole horror of the event without seeing a drop of blood, because she is so stricken with fear and disgust. When Obi-wan sees on the security footage at the Jedi Temple, that Anakin had betrayed the Jedi by brutally murdering their disciples, I want to see that kind of drama play out on his face. I don't want to see any of the footage, I already know how it played out, I just want to see Obi-wan overwhelmed with the pain of Anakin's betrayal.

Problem #6: The Mass Jedi Execution
It's not realistic that they would just be like "yep, we got 'em all at the same time." How embarrassing for the Jedi! And I could have sworn that in the original films Obi-wan says that Darth Vader hunted the Jedi to extinction.
How to fix it: Some of the Jedi escape and go into hiding, but they are trying to contact each other and find a way to save the galaxy etc. After seeing what Anakin has become, Obi-wan speaks with Padme and she is maybe in shock, but has known for a little while that Anakin has been changing. She still loves him, but because she has just found out she is pregnant, she sets the safety of her child above her own happiness and agrees to go into hiding. The Emperor tells Anakin that Obi-wan has kidnapped Padme for revenge, and so Anakin goes out trying to find them. He hunts down each of the Jedi and kills them because he believes they kidnapped his wife and may have murder her. He is looking for Obi-wan so he can fulfill his revenge.

Problem #7: Padme's death
Of course we know she is dead because Leia says, "She died when I was very young." What Leia doesn't say is, "She died before I could remember her. Even though I am about to tell you I remember her as being very beautiful but sad." Because, that's right, Leia REMEMBERS HER MOTHER!! So obviously the ending of the film is flawed. Deeply. It is pathetic that a woman with an ounce of humanity would "lose the will to live" if the love of her life left or died if she had something still left to live for, namely HER CHILDREN!!! I'm sorry, but most women will turn into Scorpion-bears when their children are threatened, and rightly so. I find it offensive that she wouldn't love her children enough to stay alive for them when she is perfectly capable of doing so.
How to fix it: Padme gives birth to the twins while in hiding. After a long talk with Obi-wan and Yoda, she realizes the wisdom of separating her children to protect them. Here is another great opportunity for intense drama: Padme saying good-bye to her infant son. Luke is taken to Southern Utah: The Planet, and Leia stays with her mother. Presumably, the rebellion is formed in the early years of the empire by the Organa's and Padme would probably be at the thick of it. I assume when Leia is 3 or 4 the Empire finds the rebel base where Padme and Leia are hidden. Padme probably hides her daughter somewhere and is killed by Imperial troops. The Organa's find and rescue Leia after the fact and never tell her how her mother died. Anakin, now Darth Vader, is told that the rebels killed his wife when the Imperial troops arrived to rescue her.

Problem #8: NOOOOOOO!
No one says that. Ever. Not one distressed, angry, injured, or heart broken person has ever prolongedly screamed the word "no" as an expression of their pain.
How to fix it: When people are mad, they scream and break things. When people are sad, they cry and sob. When people are injured, they just scream, clench their teeth, or sob and cry. Have Darth Vader do one of those things.

Problem #9: Weird cameos
I love a good cameo as much as the next person. I also happen to be a big fan of Chewbacca. The role that Wookies play in this film is unnecessary and nonsensical. Why would Yoda know Chewy? What purpose does that serve? It's just as stupid as Anakin building a protocol droid that looks exactly like other protocol droids when a protocol droid would be completely useless to someone who isn't into protocol.
How to fix it: Put characters that would actually have interacted with each other into scenes where they interact with each other. I would prefer to see a young Private Ackbar, perhaps. Or if you're gonna have a Chewbacca cameo, stick him with criminals somewhere.

Final Thoughts: Yeah, I can find more problems with this Trilogy than I have patience to correct. But, in the end, it makes me feel better to know that it's fixable. I guess I'm glad that young kids can still get excited about Star Wars the same way I did. But if any of those little punks tell me the new ones are better than the old ones, I will beat the tar out of them with a light saber until they take it back.

Episode II: How it killed the romance

I thought Phantom Menace was the worst that Star Wars had to offer, but fixing Attack of the Clones is actually far more difficult and complex. This isn't a comprehensive fix-all, but I think I've covered the basics. These changes could move this movie from the "Attack of the what? I pretend I've never heard of it" List, and onto the "This is how fans felt about Return of the Jedi before the 90's" List.

Problem #1: The Dialogue
The same trite garbage that plagued Episode I returns with a vengeance to butcher any hope we had of caring about the characters and their problems. It's stupid. It's bland. It's not believable.
How to fix it: Now, I am no great writer. I've never written a script and I never will. BUT a good tip on how to write interesting, meaningful dialogue is to listen to how people really talk. Listen to actual conversations in real life. Maybe do a little improvisation in which you establish a setting and the goal of the scene, then just have two actors create it without a script. A lot of what they will say sounds very naturally unscripted because they just made it up they way real people do in real conversations! You might not base the script entirely on a few improvised sketches, but it is a good starting point to finding natural flow and direction. You might even find some fantastic one liners and ideas with a great deal of depth that you couldn't stumble across on your own. Don't use phrases like "someday I will be the most powerful Jedi ever," "It's all Obi-wan's fault," or "Dellow fellagates."

Problem #2: The Jedi Order
If they are indeed the devout warrior monks I have understood them to be, then there shouldn't be extremely young children there making commitments they don't understand. A secondary problem is the Jedi-not-allowed-to-love thing. It's a stupid plot device.
How to fix it: There should be no children younger than 12 in the Jedi order. It makes sense that kids might go there in hope of becoming a Jedi around the same time children in our world might go off to a special boarding school. No parents send their children away at the age of two to train for a career. Aptitude has less to do with a persons success in a given field than their level of commitment. I think the young people in the Jedi temple should be there because they have shown themselves to be reverent and pure individuals.
Jedi's shouldn't have any rule against attachment and romance. The Jedi lifestyle isn't particularly conducive to a regular home and family, so it's easy to believe that most of them just don't settle down. I feel as though that could be motivation enough for Anakin to resist a potential relationship with Padme: because he wants to be %110 devoted to being a Jedi.

Problem #3: The Romance (Or lack thereof)
Unfortunately, George Lucas has not seen or understood enough chick-flicks to know how to woo a woman Hollywood style. He has a hot whiny guy who is angrily chasing a confident, independent, bland-as-a-boiled-carrot fox. I desperately wish that I could complain about the usual stuff that is crappy about movie romances. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I wish this love story had even reached Twilightian levels of bad. I wish so hard that this was about a girl who falls for a hot, but kind of creepy and controlling super-human, because it would totally make sense in this context. THIS GUY IS DARTH VADER!!! Instead, she falls in love with Whiny Whine McWhinerson because, as we all know, girls just love a man who throws himself daily pity parties!
How to fix it: So let's suppose that it has been a few years since their last meeting. They greet each other like old friends, but this time Anakin is acting more cool and level-headed. He manages to pull off the most sought after pick-up in the multiverse: not being an awkward idiot. He manages to come off as a smooth talkin' ultra responsible Jedi. As I said before, Anakin wants to be perfectly dedicated to the Jedi and have no distractions, but he can't ignore a Natalie Portman who is into him. So she says something to the effect of "love isn't meant to be suppressed, it's meant to be cherished," or something cheesy. They shouldn't be fighting their feeling while on Naboo, they should be on cloud nine. When they return to Naboo for their wedding at the end of the film, it will be a return to a happy and cherished time, not a time of torment. The wedding shouldn't be a secret, it is just an elopement! It was spontaneous and when they return back to the real world, they will tell all their friends.

Problem #4: Anakin's whiny voice and pouty face
Everything this kid says sounds like the mopiest most sniveling statement ever made by Veruca Salt, Eeyore, and Bella Swann combine. But in the body of a fully grown man, which makes it even more pathetic. There is nothing likable or lovable about his character, which is a problem because we are supposed to root for him as a hero and see him as a viable object of womanly affection.
How to fix it: Lucas was trying to show the dark side already having an effect on him, but he did it wrong. It wasn't subtle, it wasn't ominous, it was annoying. If he wanted a slightly darker hero, Anakin should have had more confidence, more light-heartedness, but a very serious temper. I feel like he would be trying to suppress his anger, but as the movie progresses it becomes more and more clear that he tries to hide it from others rather than control it. It would also make sense that a step in turning to the dark side might be a falling out with someone he trusts. I think if he found out Palpatine was manipulating him or, better yet, he was tricked into thinking Obi-wan had somehow betrayed him. Of course, for that to work their relationship would have to be well developed. Which leads me to my next point...

Problem #5: Anakin and Obi-wan's friendship: where is it?
There are two important relationships in this trilogy. Just two. Neither of them live up to the importance thrust upon them. We don't believe the star-crossed lover thing because the loverly couple are awkward and bland. We also don't believe the brotherhood of Obi-wan and Anakin, even though they repeatedly say how close they are...in the blandest least emotional way possible.
How to fix it: There should be some real conversation between them. There should be some joking. Obi-wan shouldn't be constantly critical and make only sarcastic quips. He should be more encouraging. When Obi-wan gets wound up and frustrated, Anakin should know just the right thing to say to get him to laugh. When Anakin gets discouraged, Obi-wan should immediately be at his side saying, "I'm sorry. I know I am hard on you, but it's because I believe in you. You have such potential, I just want to see you achieve it." Then they can hug it out like bros and move on. Instead of railing on Obi-wan the minute he's gone, Anakin should defend him. Maybe Padme should make some comment on Obi-wan's being very controlling or restrictive and then Anakin jumps to his rescue. It would then make for a very emotional reveal when, say, Palpatine tells Anakin that Obi-wan intentionally put Padme in danger, using her to achieve a larger objective. Then Anakin decides to choose her over his dear friend and father.

Problem #6: Samuel L. Jackson
Why is a hardcore action hero playing a mellow, wise, and peaceful Jedi Knight? We don't need another Yoda, we already have one of those thank you!
How to fix it: Have him be the lose-cannon-super-warrior. Give him a cool lightsaber duel, let him be the one fighting in the field. Leave the Yoda-ing to Yoda. Speaking of which...

Problem #7: Yoda
Why is the mellow, tiny, wise green guy flying around in a lightsaber battle. Seriously WHAT THE CRAP???!?!? And why is he CGI? I preferred the puppet, even the freaky, expressionless one you used in Episode I.
How to fix it: Make a Yoda puppet very similar to the original one. Yoda was so beloved and amazing because he showed that feats of strength are not the most important kind of strength; that real strength comes from within a person. He taught me that it's okay to be little because little people can do big things. Give Samuel L. Jackon Yoda's lightsaber battle, or at least an epic moment of his own, and give Yoda some of his wisdom back. Also, Yoda should be the only one who senses that anything is wrong with Anakin. Obi-wan shouldn't see it, the rest of the Jedi's shouldn't see it. If they could all sense it, he would never have been made a jedi. Let it just be a nagging thought in the back of Yoda's mind, not even strong enough for him to voice it to the others. Maybe he gets one quietly murmured thought when others have left the room and that is all.

Problem #8: Editing
There are more action sequences than necessary. The movie is so crowded with fights that there isn't enough room to explain why they are happening or why we should care about who wins. There are also a lot of wasted opportunities for real emotional connections.
How to fix it: Cut the following action sequences: The speeder chase through New York, New York: The Planet; Obi-wan fighting with Jango Fett in the rain over, seemingly, nothing; the asteroid belt chase that contains an awful lot of noise for the vacuum of space (yes, I know that the whole franchise contains a lot of noise in the vacuum of space. It just really bothers me in that scene); and all the factory conveyor belt tomfoolery. Replace the speeder chase with a very simple bit of deductive reasoning that could give them a lead on who tried to kill Padme (and the bugs were stupid, use something like a sniper or a timed explosion.) Replace the Jango encounters with a few shots of Obi-wan discretely planting a tracking device and tailing him at a safe distance. Replace the factory shenanigans with a simple Anakin + Padme + sneaking around = accidentally running into a whole troupe of villains and getting captured.
Take advantage of and expand a few emotional scenes. Leading up to the return to Naboo, Padme and Anakin should be very seriously flirting. By the time they're on Naboo they are treating the whole thing like a romantic getaway. Their angsty fireside chat should be replaced by something very sentimental and sincere.
On Southern Utah: The Planet, after Anakin massacres a small gypsy camp, there was a scene with great potential. But instead of demonstrating how Anakin is secretly terrified of the darkness inside himself and even more scared that Padme will see it, he sounds like a toddler who spilled some milk. He should be talking to Padme in a forced calm. When she presses him for the truth of how he feels, he should explode into terrifying anger and maybe come close to doing her actual harm. At which point he collapses into sorrow and angst, expressing to her how his anger overwhelmed him and he killed all those creatures that dress in burlap and sound like walruses. Then he could cry on her shoulder about how scared he is of losing himself to his anger, how he never got to tell his mother that he loved her and he didn't even say good-bye.
Every scene that Anakin and Obi-wan share should be filled with depth. They should have simple conversation saturated with meaning because of their past together. Maybe, instead of having Obi-wan be upset about Anakin being sent off on his own, he should be anxious; like a dad sending his son to college. He keeps reminding him of things to do, asking him if he packed everything, and finally Anakin does the "Dad, come on. I'm grown up now!" And they share a little moment because they both understand what has passed between them.

Problem #9: Count Dooku is a Sith Lord
Why? How did Darth Sidious find another apprentice and train him up so good so fast? Was an additional villain really necessary?
How to fix it: Dooku is a pawn like everyone else. He doesn't know the truth about Darth Sidious, all he knows is he used to think the Republic was great! That was until some mysterious person (Sith agent cough cough) passed him some information about the kind of corruption crap that goes on behind the scenes. He realizes Palpatine is a terrible guy and he creates a movement to form a new system of government away from the evil chancellor. And he builds an army to make sure the republic won't stop him. It's like the Civil War if Abraham Lincoln was an Adolph Hitler. Here's a beauty of this plot change: the Sith control how much information he gets, so Sidious can sew all sorts of seeds of mistrust. He can tell him that the Jedi are really the chancellors secret assassins that Palpatine will try to use them to undermine Dooku's revolution. He then takes aggressive action against the Jedi. Here's where it gets good: Palpatine has tricked the Jedi and Dooku to fight each other, even though in reality they would be allies. That is how I would demonstrate that the future emperor is a master of manipulation. It makes more sense than just "Dooku is so super evil and he wants to do evil things." It makes Dooku a more interesting villain and the final battle would matter so much more if we knew that it was really two teams were on the same side fighting against one another. The audience would recognize it as the intentional, senseless bloodshed that it is.

Episode I: How it should have started

Lee and I are in the midst of a Star Wars marathon. I rarely watch episodes I-III because they tend to trigger a depression so bleak that only several hours of cuddling with a kitten can reverse it. I am going to attempt to stave off depression by imagining my own version of this trilogy. I will share it with you, reader, because I can.

Problem #1: Anakin's age
He's too young to fit the description of him found in A New Hope and he's too young for the lady type casted opposite him.
How to fix it: Anakin should be a teenager, 15 or 16, so he can be old enough to have a sense of social injustice. How fitting if he were an angst-ridden teen with a lot of charisma and arrogance. Obi-wan Kenobi (The Alec Guiness one) describes him as being a great pilot and being idealistic. Suppose he is a slave--as he was in the film--but with a real sense that the world treats him wrong. He feels that he deserves better and he's angry that his lot in life is so low.

Problem #2: Ewan McGregor
A very talented actor, but too young to play Obi-wan Kenobi. How am I supposed to believe that he went from Ewan McGregor (mid-30's) to Alec Guiness (mid-70's) In the two decades it took for Luke and Leia to reach adulthood?
How to fix it: It would have made more sense to cast Liam Neeson as Obi-wan. He may not look a thing like Alec Guiness, but there would be less of an age problem.

Problem #3: "Your uncle didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved..." --Obi-wan Kenobi, A New Hope.
OWEN DIDN'T KNOW ANAKIN, HOW COULD HE HAVE "HELD" OR NOT HELD WITH HIS IDEALS??
How to fix it: It would not have been that hard to make Owen an actual character in these films instead of a 35 second nod to the original trilogy. Suppose he was actually Anakin's brother? Or, if you prefer, a close friend, uncle, neighbor...anything but a random person he met once that one time. There might even be a scene between the two of them before Anakin leaves. Owen insists that Anakin's place is with his mother/family and that he shouldn't abandon her/them, but Anakin's ambitions and eagerness for action and glory is too strong.
One could even add an addition layer to Anakin's fall from grace by maybe having him less upset about leaving his mother. He walks away with few regrets, so her death in Episode II lies more heavily upon his guilty conscience.

Problem #4: Queen's costumes
I get it. She's royal. Pomp and circumstance, we want to have fun, unleash the recently graduated design student on a million dollar budget. BUT the costumes greatly hinder the expressiveness of the character. I have seen Natalie Portman do some fantastic work, but not in this film.
How to fix it: Lose the elaborate headdresses. I can see the poor girl can hardly move, they are just too much. Lose the red top lip-white bottom lip combo. Actors aren't going to make daring decisions if the slightest make-up smudge means cut and reset for the top of the scene. Cut the costume changes down to a reasonable number. It makes sense that she would change when she gets to New York, New York: the Planet! It doesn't make sense that she would change 5 times in the 15 minutes she spends there. Maybe she changes to look all regal before the senate, then changes into something travel worthy afterward.

Problem #5: The relationship
Anakin and Padme's relationship is stupid. There is no chemistry--because that would be creepy--and it makes for a boring movie.
How to fix it: Suppose Anakin were about her age, late teens, and there was obvious attraction. But maybe she thinks he's arrogant. Maybe he leaves his life on Southern Utah: The Planet to follow her, but she still isn't impressed. If there was a little fiery repartee between them where he's all flirty and she spurns his advances until...

Problem #6: They win by accident
Um, Anakin accidentally destroys the command ship? Really?
How to fix it: What if, in an effort to impress Padme, teenage Anakin volunteers to join the pilots in their fight? There is a shortage of fighters, so who are they to refuse him? Especially since he has already proven himself to be a great pilot. (My version still includes about a minute and a half of pod racing, but without the Hutt cameo or the annoying announcer.) It is during the battle, when the fighter pilots realize they'll never successfully penetrate the shield on the big ole ship, that Anakin hatches his own gutsy plan: to fly into the docking bay of the ship and start blowing it up from the inside. So he does, barely escaping with his life. Mayhap that is the turning point when Padme sees him in a new light. The romance is all set up to flourish in the next film.

Problem #7: The Dialogue sucks
This movie is full of highly respected actors, academy award winners, who look like wooden faced amateurs as they bumble through a multi-million dollar circus.
How to fix it: Don't let George Lucas write the script. Please, please, please, don't let him write the script. He is a genius at the big ideas, the big picture, but he doesn't know meaningful dialogue from cleverbot and a fortune cookie. Really excellent screenplays can share all the practical information necessary to explain a unique universe while still containing meaningful communication between characters that reveals truths about themselves and their relationships. This movie doesn't have that. If it did, the actors would be free to develop their characters and they would be doing so. These are highly trained professionals who study their roles, assuming there is anything to study.

Problem #8: Medichlorians (or however you spell that pathetic excuse for a word.)
Umm...What the crap?!?! According to Liam Neeson, they are "microscopic life-forms" that "tell us the will of the force." What else do the voices tell you, Liam? Do the "microscopic life-forms" tell you to do things or hurt people?
How to fix it: I thought it was quite obvious when the Imperial General in New Hope says "The Jedi are extinct. You [Darth Vader] are all that are left of that RELIGION," and Han Solo says "Hokey RELIGIONS and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." That Jedi's were like warrior monks. Jedi-ism is a RELIGION. It was their faith in a force unseen that gave them their power. Now their power comes from a biological advantage that appears at random in every race in the universe. So now it is fact, not faith, that gives them their power. Which makes no sense because LOTS of people don't believe in the force. If they can prove it, then it isn't faith. And it's stupid. What if we just leave it as a spiritual sensitivity? Jedi are what they are because they are more attune to the spiritual nature of the universe. Their faith and devotion gives them abilities that others can only imagine. Sometimes in fantasy and science fiction, it is just better to say the origin of this power/situation is mystical or otherwise unknown. Science is great, but it doesn't always make a story better.

Problem #9: Jar Jar Binks
I saved him for last because there is no way to fix him. Except...
How to fix it: Eradicate him. He never existed. If you want to have a cool race of warrior creatures and one of the members of that race join up with our heroes, fine. Do that. But don't make him a bumbling, ignorant, pathetic racist epithet so low that the KKK wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. Maybe take a leaf out of Chewbacca and R2-D2's book and have him communicate in his own language. it certainly makes more sense that him and his entire race being fluent in toddler english. Replace Gun-gans with a different group of peoples/creatures. A group less offensive to real people in this universe. A group of people who don't refer to themselves as "meesa," who never stick out their tongue and say "How wood," and who, under no circumstance, would be caught dead saying the phrase "ex-squeeze-me."