Just Stick to the Classics

This is my Disney Channel expose. It has been a long time coming, and now it is time to reveal the truth about some of the worst shows on television.

When you spend time with nine year old girls, you inevitably get stuck watching their "favs" on the Disney Channel. I curse Netflix for having so many of these shows readily available a hundred episodes at a time!

The life lessons kids are learning from these shows are not at all what they should be learning.  It is endlessly frustrating for me to see kids mimicking behaviors that they see in their favorite shows, because the behaviors are so inappropriate.


Wizards of Waverly Place
Okay, I have been forced to try to ignore probably 50 episodes of this show. Am I really supposed to believe that cute little Selena Gomez is a bully-trouble-maker-prankster? Riiiiiight...
And aren't they supposed to be wizards? They don't really do magic. Ever. Why are Mom and Dad so mean to each other? Why is this show called Wizards of Waverly Place? It should just be called Catty-but-otherwise-very-ordinary-family of Waverly Place.


The Suite Life on Deck
What kind of parent sends their kids on an eternal cruise without any supervision except an old fashioned and ineffective butler type and expects them to get an education while they're at it? Now that has been said, why are these kids so decidedly separated into succinct stereotypes? The shopaholic bimbo, the smart kid(s), the rebel, the slightly doughy nerd...oh yeah, and twins. It is a level of uncreative writing that is embarrassing. If I wrote for this show, I wouldn't put it on my resume out of shame. I would rather interviewers thought I was unemployed.

Pair of Kings
I save the worst for last. The premise is that two biologically related twin brothers--one Caucasian, the other African American--inherit a tropical island, which they are to rule as kings. Some of the clothing on the island looks vaguely, insultingly Polynesian, others look vaguely and even more insultingly Asian. Most of the actors just look white with hair only slightly darker than mine. What bothers me about this show is that the whole thing looks like a cheesy luau. I am offended on behave of Pacific Islanders everywhere. I mean, WHAT THE CRAP?!? And I am confused about how they think genetics work. It's not like children only receive genes from one parent or something. If these kids had Caucasian father and African mother, wouldn't they have physical traits from both their parents? You know, the way real people have traits from both parents? What I really can't get over is the racism that occurs just in their names. The white kid is named Brady, a normal common name. His brother from the same mother who happens to be black is named Boomer. I guess because white people get real names on the Disney Channel, but black kids get fake nicknames.

The most disturbing thing about these shows are the commonalities that occur in all of them: the way these rotten kids behave and treat others.

1. Kids are mean to their friends, parents, boyfriends/girlfriends.
I'm not talking about the kid in the show who is supposed to be the bully, the obvious example of what not to do, I am talking about the title characters. The "role models." If my friends were constantly making fun of me, I wouldn't be their friend anymore because I prefer being treated with respect. I wouldn't tolerate the constant digs about my weight, level of enthusiasm, intelligence, daring, and attractiveness. So, why are we teaching impressionable children that it's okay to treat their friends that way and that they should expect that kind of treatment from their friends?

2. There is always a "frienemy"
Because, for some reason, every protagonist has an arch nemesis who happens to hang around them all the time. No one is nice to them, they are never nice back. Sometimes they make a break through and confess that they are secretly jealous and would love to be included, but the change never lasts to the next episode. First of all, don't exclude people and treat them like outsiders. Secondly, if you are excluded, JUST LEAVE. FIND BETTER FRIENDS.

3. Bullying.
Sure, the main characters are usually the nerds who get picked on by big mean hairy kids, but as soon as someone smaller is around they immediately pick on that kid. They make fun of anyone more nerdly than themselves. They didn't learn that it sucks to get a swirly? They didn't learn that embarrassment and harassment is an unpleasant way to spend your time? Nope. They just learned that it's a dog-eat-dog world and even if they can't be at the top of the totem pole they sure a heck aren't going to be the bottom.

4. Pre-teen Dating.
There is a Twilightian level of obsession over dating for these "comedies" targeted at "children." How old are these kids? Aren't they still scared of cooties? Why are you being so rude to that girl if you are trying to make a good impression? And why, when a boy is trying to flatter you, do you turn around and say something cruel? That doesn't make you tough, that makes you a jerk. 

I guess I won't tell you to ban the Disney Channel, but I do recommend having a good book handy whenever it is on. It makes it easier to ignore the dialogue, the laugh track, the music, and the fact that your kids are, impossibly, really enjoying themselves.