I hope you are looking at that title and saying, "I see what you did there." There are tremendous problems with this final film. Huge! But I have salvaged it by essentially re-writing the whole plot!
Problem #1: Pow! Wow...
There are, once again, more action sequences than make sense. The settings of some of the scenes are so ridiculously dramatic that they distract from the drama. I assume Lucas did this to make sure no one noticed there was no drama or passion in the story. We noticed.
How to fix it: Remove the whole opening sequence. Scrap it. The Emperor never got "kidnapped." It was a stupid way to cram too much noise and visual effects into the first 10 minutes. Once again, remove ALL Yoda fight choreography. In my version, Yoda is still portrayed by puppeteering legend Frank Oz in voice and in action. Put the remaining fight scenes in settings that are less ridiculous. No volcano, stop having Obi-wan fall impossible distances and walk away without a single injury, and stop with the "light saber escalation!" Ever since Darth Maul had a double-edged light saber, there has been an increase in the number of light sabers used in fights. Four? Seriously? And as long as I'm on the subject, why is Darth Maul the only one with a unique design for his light saber? I would assume that Jedi would all have distinct weapons that take advantage of their anatomical structure, fighting style and...you know what? Nevermind. I digress. Take away the entire fight/chase with Obi-wan and General Coughing Robot. In fact...
Problem #2: A New Villain? Really?
General Grievous is a stupid wasted character. If you still needed an extra villain, then don't kill off the last one! Why is there a new appendage bad guy in every film? A good villain is hard to come by. In the Star Wars universe, Sith Lords and their mindless accomplices seem to be a dime-a-dozen.
How to fix it: Get rid of the character. If Palpatine was never kidnapped, then Dooku was never killed. And, as we all remember, Dooku is also not a Sith; he is just an idealist led astray. What if instead, Obi-wan and Samuel L. Jackson are sent on a mission to capture Dooku so they can establish a peaceful end to the civil war. A little light espionage and some moderate light saber vs. droid action later, he is in custody. They begin to interrogate him and they learn all that he knows or has been lead to believe. They find out he has been lied to about the Jedi, but that he also believes the Republic is being ruled over by a Sith Lord. Once they convince Dooku that they are not there to assassinate him, they being to do some detective work to uncover the truth. Why was there a clone army ready for the Republic's use right when Dooku had enough followers to have a potential civil war? Why would someone have lied about the Jedi to Dooku and what did they have to gain by keeping him in the dark?...
Problem #3: Ultra-Sounds
So you expect me to believe that a society that has achieved light speed travel to other planets, mind controlled prosthetics, and droids that can creatively problem solve, understand humor, and have definite personalities, DOESN'T HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO RECOGNIZE THAT A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING TWINS??????!?!?!?!??!
How to fix it: She just finds out that she is probably pregnant when Anakin goes evil. He finds out she's pregnant but she is at such an early stage of pregnancy that there is no way to tell she is having twins. Like, the early enough stage that she wouldn't have told anyone except her husband.
Problem #4: The Journey to the Dark Side
The concept that Anakin just turns to the dark side to learn how to keep Padme from maybe dying is so stupid that I can't even explain how pathetic it is. It's like...stupider than adding an extended musical number into Return of the Jedi. It's stupider than casting a nine year old in a Star Wars movie and having him say "Yipeee!" repeatedly. It's almost as stupid as medichloreans!!
How to fix it: This is the part where I re-write the entire plot. Anakin has been spending a lot of time with the chancellor for one reason or another. He complains that he hasn't been advanced to the rank of Jedi Master yet. Keep in mind that his marriage isn't a secret and that the Jedi have no rule against getting married or falling in love. It just so happens that most Jedi don't get married because they are "married to their work" so to speak. Palpatine plants in Anakin's mind that the council haven't advanced him because they doubt his dedication. He convinces him that the Jedi look down on him for being a family man and not just a career man. That isn't the real reason, but it's what Anakin thinks. Add that to the perceived betrayal by Obi-wan that I planted into the previous film, and this Anakin is filled with frustration about his professional life. I think it's safe to assume that causes some domestic troubles. Eventually Palpatine would convince Anakin that Padme's life is somehow in danger from the Jedi. He would provide a way for Padme to die and make it look like it was at the hands of the jedi. The fact is, Palpatine would gain more control over Anakin if Padme were dead. He wouldn't have to fight for his apprentices devotion if his wife is out of the picture. But, Anakin manages to save Padme and probably kill whichever Jedi was close enough to look like the culprit. Palpatine pushes him to use his anger to his advantage and become more powerful blah blah blah... Anakin is further convinced that the Jedi are secretly out to get him and his wife, and that they have been manipulating him.
Anakin is asked to help lead an attack on the Jedi Temple--as occurs in the film--but it's not so much a slaughter as it is a regular old fight and a lot of Jedi get away. There are no extremely small children there because I decided in my last post that no one under 12 is admitted to the Jedi order.
It is at this point when Obi-wan arrives on the scene. He tells Anakin that Palpatine is a Sith, Anakin thinks Obi-wan is trying to manipulate him further. Maybe Anakin and Obi-wan have their confrontation at this point and they fight until Anakin is severely injured. This does NOT occur inside a volcano, so close to the lava that spontaneous combustion is unavoidable. There are NO ridiculous scenes of fighting while swinging from ropes or on moving platforms. This fight is about Obi-wan pleading with Anakin to believe him and Anakin being too full of rage to see the truth. Anakin is badly hurt, but Obi-wan can't bring himself to end kill his apprentice. So he goes to the Jedi Temple to find out what happened. It is then when he learns the full extend of Anakin's betrayal.
Problem #5: Drama
At no point in this movie does Lucas take advantage of the talent of his actors. He puts them in sterile green screen environments and has them pretend to do stunts. He never raises the emotional stakes to a point where I feel anything for anyone on screen and I don't see them feel anything either.
How to fix it: Obviously, fixing this includes fixing the script, the directing, and the design of the film. I am just going to select a specific moment wherein I saw a missed opportunity for real drama. If you are a Gone with the Wind fan, you may remember a scene where Scarlet is helping as a nurse in a church-turned-hospital. She is asked to assist a doctor with an amputation. There is no medication to ease the pain of the soldier fated to lose a limb. We don't see the amputation, we hear the soldier screaming and pleading for the doctors "Don't cut!! Please!!" while the camera is trained on Vivien Leigh's face. You see the whole horror of the event without seeing a drop of blood, because she is so stricken with fear and disgust. When Obi-wan sees on the security footage at the Jedi Temple, that Anakin had betrayed the Jedi by brutally murdering their disciples, I want to see that kind of drama play out on his face. I don't want to see any of the footage, I already know how it played out, I just want to see Obi-wan overwhelmed with the pain of Anakin's betrayal.
Problem #6: The Mass Jedi Execution
It's not realistic that they would just be like "yep, we got 'em all at the same time." How embarrassing for the Jedi! And I could have sworn that in the original films Obi-wan says that Darth Vader hunted the Jedi to extinction.
How to fix it: Some of the Jedi escape and go into hiding, but they are trying to contact each other and find a way to save the galaxy etc. After seeing what Anakin has become, Obi-wan speaks with Padme and she is maybe in shock, but has known for a little while that Anakin has been changing. She still loves him, but because she has just found out she is pregnant, she sets the safety of her child above her own happiness and agrees to go into hiding. The Emperor tells Anakin that Obi-wan has kidnapped Padme for revenge, and so Anakin goes out trying to find them. He hunts down each of the Jedi and kills them because he believes they kidnapped his wife and may have murder her. He is looking for Obi-wan so he can fulfill his revenge.
Problem #7: Padme's death
Of course we know she is dead because Leia says, "She died when I was very young." What Leia doesn't say is, "She died before I could remember her. Even though I am about to tell you I remember her as being very beautiful but sad." Because, that's right, Leia REMEMBERS HER MOTHER!! So obviously the ending of the film is flawed. Deeply. It is pathetic that a woman with an ounce of humanity would "lose the will to live" if the love of her life left or died if she had something still left to live for, namely HER CHILDREN!!! I'm sorry, but most women will turn into Scorpion-bears when their children are threatened, and rightly so. I find it offensive that she wouldn't love her children enough to stay alive for them when she is perfectly capable of doing so.
How to fix it: Padme gives birth to the twins while in hiding. After a long talk with Obi-wan and Yoda, she realizes the wisdom of separating her children to protect them. Here is another great opportunity for intense drama: Padme saying good-bye to her infant son. Luke is taken to Southern Utah: The Planet, and Leia stays with her mother. Presumably, the rebellion is formed in the early years of the empire by the Organa's and Padme would probably be at the thick of it. I assume when Leia is 3 or 4 the Empire finds the rebel base where Padme and Leia are hidden. Padme probably hides her daughter somewhere and is killed by Imperial troops. The Organa's find and rescue Leia after the fact and never tell her how her mother died. Anakin, now Darth Vader, is told that the rebels killed his wife when the Imperial troops arrived to rescue her.
Problem #8: NOOOOOOO!
No one says that. Ever. Not one distressed, angry, injured, or heart broken person has ever prolongedly screamed the word "no" as an expression of their pain.
How to fix it: When people are mad, they scream and break things. When people are sad, they cry and sob. When people are injured, they just scream, clench their teeth, or sob and cry. Have Darth Vader do one of those things.
Problem #9: Weird cameos
I love a good cameo as much as the next person. I also happen to be a big fan of Chewbacca. The role that Wookies play in this film is unnecessary and nonsensical. Why would Yoda know Chewy? What purpose does that serve? It's just as stupid as Anakin building a protocol droid that looks exactly like other protocol droids when a protocol droid would be completely useless to someone who isn't into protocol.
How to fix it: Put characters that would actually have interacted with each other into scenes where they interact with each other. I would prefer to see a young Private Ackbar, perhaps. Or if you're gonna have a Chewbacca cameo, stick him with criminals somewhere.
Final Thoughts: Yeah, I can find more problems with this Trilogy than I have patience to correct. But, in the end, it makes me feel better to know that it's fixable. I guess I'm glad that young kids can still get excited about Star Wars the same way I did. But if any of those little punks tell me the new ones are better than the old ones, I will beat the tar out of them with a light saber until they take it back.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Episode II: How it killed the romance
I thought Phantom Menace was the worst that Star Wars had to offer, but fixing Attack of the Clones is actually far more difficult and complex. This isn't a comprehensive fix-all, but I think I've covered the basics. These changes could move this movie from the "Attack of the what? I pretend I've never heard of it" List, and onto the "This is how fans felt about Return of the Jedi before the 90's" List.
Problem #1: The Dialogue
The same trite garbage that plagued Episode I returns with a vengeance to butcher any hope we had of caring about the characters and their problems. It's stupid. It's bland. It's not believable.
How to fix it: Now, I am no great writer. I've never written a script and I never will. BUT a good tip on how to write interesting, meaningful dialogue is to listen to how people really talk. Listen to actual conversations in real life. Maybe do a little improvisation in which you establish a setting and the goal of the scene, then just have two actors create it without a script. A lot of what they will say sounds very naturally unscripted because they just made it up they way real people do in real conversations! You might not base the script entirely on a few improvised sketches, but it is a good starting point to finding natural flow and direction. You might even find some fantastic one liners and ideas with a great deal of depth that you couldn't stumble across on your own. Don't use phrases like "someday I will be the most powerful Jedi ever," "It's all Obi-wan's fault," or "Dellow fellagates."
Problem #2: The Jedi Order
If they are indeed the devout warrior monks I have understood them to be, then there shouldn't be extremely young children there making commitments they don't understand. A secondary problem is the Jedi-not-allowed-to-love thing. It's a stupid plot device.
How to fix it: There should be no children younger than 12 in the Jedi order. It makes sense that kids might go there in hope of becoming a Jedi around the same time children in our world might go off to a special boarding school. No parents send their children away at the age of two to train for a career. Aptitude has less to do with a persons success in a given field than their level of commitment. I think the young people in the Jedi temple should be there because they have shown themselves to be reverent and pure individuals.
Jedi's shouldn't have any rule against attachment and romance. The Jedi lifestyle isn't particularly conducive to a regular home and family, so it's easy to believe that most of them just don't settle down. I feel as though that could be motivation enough for Anakin to resist a potential relationship with Padme: because he wants to be %110 devoted to being a Jedi.
Problem #3: The Romance (Or lack thereof)
Unfortunately, George Lucas has not seen or understood enough chick-flicks to know how to woo a woman Hollywood style. He has a hot whiny guy who is angrily chasing a confident, independent, bland-as-a-boiled-carrot fox. I desperately wish that I could complain about the usual stuff that is crappy about movie romances. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I wish this love story had even reached Twilightian levels of bad. I wish so hard that this was about a girl who falls for a hot, but kind of creepy and controlling super-human, because it would totally make sense in this context. THIS GUY IS DARTH VADER!!! Instead, she falls in love with Whiny Whine McWhinerson because, as we all know, girls just love a man who throws himself daily pity parties!
How to fix it: So let's suppose that it has been a few years since their last meeting. They greet each other like old friends, but this time Anakin is acting more cool and level-headed. He manages to pull off the most sought after pick-up in the multiverse: not being an awkward idiot. He manages to come off as a smooth talkin' ultra responsible Jedi. As I said before, Anakin wants to be perfectly dedicated to the Jedi and have no distractions, but he can't ignore a Natalie Portman who is into him. So she says something to the effect of "love isn't meant to be suppressed, it's meant to be cherished," or something cheesy. They shouldn't be fighting their feeling while on Naboo, they should be on cloud nine. When they return to Naboo for their wedding at the end of the film, it will be a return to a happy and cherished time, not a time of torment. The wedding shouldn't be a secret, it is just an elopement! It was spontaneous and when they return back to the real world, they will tell all their friends.
Problem #4: Anakin's whiny voice and pouty face
Everything this kid says sounds like the mopiest most sniveling statement ever made by Veruca Salt, Eeyore, and Bella Swann combine. But in the body of a fully grown man, which makes it even more pathetic. There is nothing likable or lovable about his character, which is a problem because we are supposed to root for him as a hero and see him as a viable object of womanly affection.
How to fix it: Lucas was trying to show the dark side already having an effect on him, but he did it wrong. It wasn't subtle, it wasn't ominous, it was annoying. If he wanted a slightly darker hero, Anakin should have had more confidence, more light-heartedness, but a very serious temper. I feel like he would be trying to suppress his anger, but as the movie progresses it becomes more and more clear that he tries to hide it from others rather than control it. It would also make sense that a step in turning to the dark side might be a falling out with someone he trusts. I think if he found out Palpatine was manipulating him or, better yet, he was tricked into thinking Obi-wan had somehow betrayed him. Of course, for that to work their relationship would have to be well developed. Which leads me to my next point...
Problem #5: Anakin and Obi-wan's friendship: where is it?
There are two important relationships in this trilogy. Just two. Neither of them live up to the importance thrust upon them. We don't believe the star-crossed lover thing because the loverly couple are awkward and bland. We also don't believe the brotherhood of Obi-wan and Anakin, even though they repeatedly say how close they are...in the blandest least emotional way possible.
How to fix it: There should be some real conversation between them. There should be some joking. Obi-wan shouldn't be constantly critical and make only sarcastic quips. He should be more encouraging. When Obi-wan gets wound up and frustrated, Anakin should know just the right thing to say to get him to laugh. When Anakin gets discouraged, Obi-wan should immediately be at his side saying, "I'm sorry. I know I am hard on you, but it's because I believe in you. You have such potential, I just want to see you achieve it." Then they can hug it out like bros and move on. Instead of railing on Obi-wan the minute he's gone, Anakin should defend him. Maybe Padme should make some comment on Obi-wan's being very controlling or restrictive and then Anakin jumps to his rescue. It would then make for a very emotional reveal when, say, Palpatine tells Anakin that Obi-wan intentionally put Padme in danger, using her to achieve a larger objective. Then Anakin decides to choose her over his dear friend and father.
Problem #6: Samuel L. Jackson
Why is a hardcore action hero playing a mellow, wise, and peaceful Jedi Knight? We don't need another Yoda, we already have one of those thank you!
How to fix it: Have him be the lose-cannon-super-warrior. Give him a cool lightsaber duel, let him be the one fighting in the field. Leave the Yoda-ing to Yoda. Speaking of which...
Problem #7: Yoda
Why is the mellow, tiny, wise green guy flying around in a lightsaber battle. Seriously WHAT THE CRAP???!?!? And why is he CGI? I preferred the puppet, even the freaky, expressionless one you used in Episode I.
How to fix it: Make a Yoda puppet very similar to the original one. Yoda was so beloved and amazing because he showed that feats of strength are not the most important kind of strength; that real strength comes from within a person. He taught me that it's okay to be little because little people can do big things. Give Samuel L. Jackon Yoda's lightsaber battle, or at least an epic moment of his own, and give Yoda some of his wisdom back. Also, Yoda should be the only one who senses that anything is wrong with Anakin. Obi-wan shouldn't see it, the rest of the Jedi's shouldn't see it. If they could all sense it, he would never have been made a jedi. Let it just be a nagging thought in the back of Yoda's mind, not even strong enough for him to voice it to the others. Maybe he gets one quietly murmured thought when others have left the room and that is all.
Problem #8: Editing
There are more action sequences than necessary. The movie is so crowded with fights that there isn't enough room to explain why they are happening or why we should care about who wins. There are also a lot of wasted opportunities for real emotional connections.
How to fix it: Cut the following action sequences: The speeder chase through New York, New York: The Planet; Obi-wan fighting with Jango Fett in the rain over, seemingly, nothing; the asteroid belt chase that contains an awful lot of noise for the vacuum of space (yes, I know that the whole franchise contains a lot of noise in the vacuum of space. It just really bothers me in that scene); and all the factory conveyor belt tomfoolery. Replace the speeder chase with a very simple bit of deductive reasoning that could give them a lead on who tried to kill Padme (and the bugs were stupid, use something like a sniper or a timed explosion.) Replace the Jango encounters with a few shots of Obi-wan discretely planting a tracking device and tailing him at a safe distance. Replace the factory shenanigans with a simple Anakin + Padme + sneaking around = accidentally running into a whole troupe of villains and getting captured.
Take advantage of and expand a few emotional scenes. Leading up to the return to Naboo, Padme and Anakin should be very seriously flirting. By the time they're on Naboo they are treating the whole thing like a romantic getaway. Their angsty fireside chat should be replaced by something very sentimental and sincere.
On Southern Utah: The Planet, after Anakin massacres a small gypsy camp, there was a scene with great potential. But instead of demonstrating how Anakin is secretly terrified of the darkness inside himself and even more scared that Padme will see it, he sounds like a toddler who spilled some milk. He should be talking to Padme in a forced calm. When she presses him for the truth of how he feels, he should explode into terrifying anger and maybe come close to doing her actual harm. At which point he collapses into sorrow and angst, expressing to her how his anger overwhelmed him and he killed all those creatures that dress in burlap and sound like walruses. Then he could cry on her shoulder about how scared he is of losing himself to his anger, how he never got to tell his mother that he loved her and he didn't even say good-bye.
Every scene that Anakin and Obi-wan share should be filled with depth. They should have simple conversation saturated with meaning because of their past together. Maybe, instead of having Obi-wan be upset about Anakin being sent off on his own, he should be anxious; like a dad sending his son to college. He keeps reminding him of things to do, asking him if he packed everything, and finally Anakin does the "Dad, come on. I'm grown up now!" And they share a little moment because they both understand what has passed between them.
Problem #9: Count Dooku is a Sith Lord
Why? How did Darth Sidious find another apprentice and train him up so good so fast? Was an additional villain really necessary?
How to fix it: Dooku is a pawn like everyone else. He doesn't know the truth about Darth Sidious, all he knows is he used to think the Republic was great! That was until some mysterious person (Sith agent cough cough) passed him some information about the kind of corruption crap that goes on behind the scenes. He realizes Palpatine is a terrible guy and he creates a movement to form a new system of government away from the evil chancellor. And he builds an army to make sure the republic won't stop him. It's like the Civil War if Abraham Lincoln was an Adolph Hitler. Here's a beauty of this plot change: the Sith control how much information he gets, so Sidious can sew all sorts of seeds of mistrust. He can tell him that the Jedi are really the chancellors secret assassins that Palpatine will try to use them to undermine Dooku's revolution. He then takes aggressive action against the Jedi. Here's where it gets good: Palpatine has tricked the Jedi and Dooku to fight each other, even though in reality they would be allies. That is how I would demonstrate that the future emperor is a master of manipulation. It makes more sense than just "Dooku is so super evil and he wants to do evil things." It makes Dooku a more interesting villain and the final battle would matter so much more if we knew that it was really two teams were on the same side fighting against one another. The audience would recognize it as the intentional, senseless bloodshed that it is.
Problem #1: The Dialogue
The same trite garbage that plagued Episode I returns with a vengeance to butcher any hope we had of caring about the characters and their problems. It's stupid. It's bland. It's not believable.
How to fix it: Now, I am no great writer. I've never written a script and I never will. BUT a good tip on how to write interesting, meaningful dialogue is to listen to how people really talk. Listen to actual conversations in real life. Maybe do a little improvisation in which you establish a setting and the goal of the scene, then just have two actors create it without a script. A lot of what they will say sounds very naturally unscripted because they just made it up they way real people do in real conversations! You might not base the script entirely on a few improvised sketches, but it is a good starting point to finding natural flow and direction. You might even find some fantastic one liners and ideas with a great deal of depth that you couldn't stumble across on your own. Don't use phrases like "someday I will be the most powerful Jedi ever," "It's all Obi-wan's fault," or "Dellow fellagates."
Problem #2: The Jedi Order
If they are indeed the devout warrior monks I have understood them to be, then there shouldn't be extremely young children there making commitments they don't understand. A secondary problem is the Jedi-not-allowed-to-love thing. It's a stupid plot device.
How to fix it: There should be no children younger than 12 in the Jedi order. It makes sense that kids might go there in hope of becoming a Jedi around the same time children in our world might go off to a special boarding school. No parents send their children away at the age of two to train for a career. Aptitude has less to do with a persons success in a given field than their level of commitment. I think the young people in the Jedi temple should be there because they have shown themselves to be reverent and pure individuals.
Jedi's shouldn't have any rule against attachment and romance. The Jedi lifestyle isn't particularly conducive to a regular home and family, so it's easy to believe that most of them just don't settle down. I feel as though that could be motivation enough for Anakin to resist a potential relationship with Padme: because he wants to be %110 devoted to being a Jedi.
Problem #3: The Romance (Or lack thereof)
Unfortunately, George Lucas has not seen or understood enough chick-flicks to know how to woo a woman Hollywood style. He has a hot whiny guy who is angrily chasing a confident, independent, bland-as-a-boiled-carrot fox. I desperately wish that I could complain about the usual stuff that is crappy about movie romances. I can't believe I am going to say this, but I wish this love story had even reached Twilightian levels of bad. I wish so hard that this was about a girl who falls for a hot, but kind of creepy and controlling super-human, because it would totally make sense in this context. THIS GUY IS DARTH VADER!!! Instead, she falls in love with Whiny Whine McWhinerson because, as we all know, girls just love a man who throws himself daily pity parties!
How to fix it: So let's suppose that it has been a few years since their last meeting. They greet each other like old friends, but this time Anakin is acting more cool and level-headed. He manages to pull off the most sought after pick-up in the multiverse: not being an awkward idiot. He manages to come off as a smooth talkin' ultra responsible Jedi. As I said before, Anakin wants to be perfectly dedicated to the Jedi and have no distractions, but he can't ignore a Natalie Portman who is into him. So she says something to the effect of "love isn't meant to be suppressed, it's meant to be cherished," or something cheesy. They shouldn't be fighting their feeling while on Naboo, they should be on cloud nine. When they return to Naboo for their wedding at the end of the film, it will be a return to a happy and cherished time, not a time of torment. The wedding shouldn't be a secret, it is just an elopement! It was spontaneous and when they return back to the real world, they will tell all their friends.
Problem #4: Anakin's whiny voice and pouty face
Everything this kid says sounds like the mopiest most sniveling statement ever made by Veruca Salt, Eeyore, and Bella Swann combine. But in the body of a fully grown man, which makes it even more pathetic. There is nothing likable or lovable about his character, which is a problem because we are supposed to root for him as a hero and see him as a viable object of womanly affection.
How to fix it: Lucas was trying to show the dark side already having an effect on him, but he did it wrong. It wasn't subtle, it wasn't ominous, it was annoying. If he wanted a slightly darker hero, Anakin should have had more confidence, more light-heartedness, but a very serious temper. I feel like he would be trying to suppress his anger, but as the movie progresses it becomes more and more clear that he tries to hide it from others rather than control it. It would also make sense that a step in turning to the dark side might be a falling out with someone he trusts. I think if he found out Palpatine was manipulating him or, better yet, he was tricked into thinking Obi-wan had somehow betrayed him. Of course, for that to work their relationship would have to be well developed. Which leads me to my next point...
Problem #5: Anakin and Obi-wan's friendship: where is it?
There are two important relationships in this trilogy. Just two. Neither of them live up to the importance thrust upon them. We don't believe the star-crossed lover thing because the loverly couple are awkward and bland. We also don't believe the brotherhood of Obi-wan and Anakin, even though they repeatedly say how close they are...in the blandest least emotional way possible.
How to fix it: There should be some real conversation between them. There should be some joking. Obi-wan shouldn't be constantly critical and make only sarcastic quips. He should be more encouraging. When Obi-wan gets wound up and frustrated, Anakin should know just the right thing to say to get him to laugh. When Anakin gets discouraged, Obi-wan should immediately be at his side saying, "I'm sorry. I know I am hard on you, but it's because I believe in you. You have such potential, I just want to see you achieve it." Then they can hug it out like bros and move on. Instead of railing on Obi-wan the minute he's gone, Anakin should defend him. Maybe Padme should make some comment on Obi-wan's being very controlling or restrictive and then Anakin jumps to his rescue. It would then make for a very emotional reveal when, say, Palpatine tells Anakin that Obi-wan intentionally put Padme in danger, using her to achieve a larger objective. Then Anakin decides to choose her over his dear friend and father.
Problem #6: Samuel L. Jackson
Why is a hardcore action hero playing a mellow, wise, and peaceful Jedi Knight? We don't need another Yoda, we already have one of those thank you!
How to fix it: Have him be the lose-cannon-super-warrior. Give him a cool lightsaber duel, let him be the one fighting in the field. Leave the Yoda-ing to Yoda. Speaking of which...
Problem #7: Yoda
Why is the mellow, tiny, wise green guy flying around in a lightsaber battle. Seriously WHAT THE CRAP???!?!? And why is he CGI? I preferred the puppet, even the freaky, expressionless one you used in Episode I.
How to fix it: Make a Yoda puppet very similar to the original one. Yoda was so beloved and amazing because he showed that feats of strength are not the most important kind of strength; that real strength comes from within a person. He taught me that it's okay to be little because little people can do big things. Give Samuel L. Jackon Yoda's lightsaber battle, or at least an epic moment of his own, and give Yoda some of his wisdom back. Also, Yoda should be the only one who senses that anything is wrong with Anakin. Obi-wan shouldn't see it, the rest of the Jedi's shouldn't see it. If they could all sense it, he would never have been made a jedi. Let it just be a nagging thought in the back of Yoda's mind, not even strong enough for him to voice it to the others. Maybe he gets one quietly murmured thought when others have left the room and that is all.
Problem #8: Editing
There are more action sequences than necessary. The movie is so crowded with fights that there isn't enough room to explain why they are happening or why we should care about who wins. There are also a lot of wasted opportunities for real emotional connections.
How to fix it: Cut the following action sequences: The speeder chase through New York, New York: The Planet; Obi-wan fighting with Jango Fett in the rain over, seemingly, nothing; the asteroid belt chase that contains an awful lot of noise for the vacuum of space (yes, I know that the whole franchise contains a lot of noise in the vacuum of space. It just really bothers me in that scene); and all the factory conveyor belt tomfoolery. Replace the speeder chase with a very simple bit of deductive reasoning that could give them a lead on who tried to kill Padme (and the bugs were stupid, use something like a sniper or a timed explosion.) Replace the Jango encounters with a few shots of Obi-wan discretely planting a tracking device and tailing him at a safe distance. Replace the factory shenanigans with a simple Anakin + Padme + sneaking around = accidentally running into a whole troupe of villains and getting captured.
Take advantage of and expand a few emotional scenes. Leading up to the return to Naboo, Padme and Anakin should be very seriously flirting. By the time they're on Naboo they are treating the whole thing like a romantic getaway. Their angsty fireside chat should be replaced by something very sentimental and sincere.
On Southern Utah: The Planet, after Anakin massacres a small gypsy camp, there was a scene with great potential. But instead of demonstrating how Anakin is secretly terrified of the darkness inside himself and even more scared that Padme will see it, he sounds like a toddler who spilled some milk. He should be talking to Padme in a forced calm. When she presses him for the truth of how he feels, he should explode into terrifying anger and maybe come close to doing her actual harm. At which point he collapses into sorrow and angst, expressing to her how his anger overwhelmed him and he killed all those creatures that dress in burlap and sound like walruses. Then he could cry on her shoulder about how scared he is of losing himself to his anger, how he never got to tell his mother that he loved her and he didn't even say good-bye.
Every scene that Anakin and Obi-wan share should be filled with depth. They should have simple conversation saturated with meaning because of their past together. Maybe, instead of having Obi-wan be upset about Anakin being sent off on his own, he should be anxious; like a dad sending his son to college. He keeps reminding him of things to do, asking him if he packed everything, and finally Anakin does the "Dad, come on. I'm grown up now!" And they share a little moment because they both understand what has passed between them.
Problem #9: Count Dooku is a Sith Lord
Why? How did Darth Sidious find another apprentice and train him up so good so fast? Was an additional villain really necessary?
How to fix it: Dooku is a pawn like everyone else. He doesn't know the truth about Darth Sidious, all he knows is he used to think the Republic was great! That was until some mysterious person (Sith agent cough cough) passed him some information about the kind of corruption crap that goes on behind the scenes. He realizes Palpatine is a terrible guy and he creates a movement to form a new system of government away from the evil chancellor. And he builds an army to make sure the republic won't stop him. It's like the Civil War if Abraham Lincoln was an Adolph Hitler. Here's a beauty of this plot change: the Sith control how much information he gets, so Sidious can sew all sorts of seeds of mistrust. He can tell him that the Jedi are really the chancellors secret assassins that Palpatine will try to use them to undermine Dooku's revolution. He then takes aggressive action against the Jedi. Here's where it gets good: Palpatine has tricked the Jedi and Dooku to fight each other, even though in reality they would be allies. That is how I would demonstrate that the future emperor is a master of manipulation. It makes more sense than just "Dooku is so super evil and he wants to do evil things." It makes Dooku a more interesting villain and the final battle would matter so much more if we knew that it was really two teams were on the same side fighting against one another. The audience would recognize it as the intentional, senseless bloodshed that it is.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Episode I: How it should have started
Lee and I are in the midst of a Star Wars marathon. I rarely watch episodes I-III because they tend to trigger a depression so bleak that only several hours of cuddling with a kitten can reverse it. I am going to attempt to stave off depression by imagining my own version of this trilogy. I will share it with you, reader, because I can.
Problem #1: Anakin's age
He's too young to fit the description of him found in A New Hope and he's too young for the lady type casted opposite him.
How to fix it: Anakin should be a teenager, 15 or 16, so he can be old enough to have a sense of social injustice. How fitting if he were an angst-ridden teen with a lot of charisma and arrogance. Obi-wan Kenobi (The Alec Guiness one) describes him as being a great pilot and being idealistic. Suppose he is a slave--as he was in the film--but with a real sense that the world treats him wrong. He feels that he deserves better and he's angry that his lot in life is so low.
Problem #2: Ewan McGregor
A very talented actor, but too young to play Obi-wan Kenobi. How am I supposed to believe that he went from Ewan McGregor (mid-30's) to Alec Guiness (mid-70's) In the two decades it took for Luke and Leia to reach adulthood?
How to fix it: It would have made more sense to cast Liam Neeson as Obi-wan. He may not look a thing like Alec Guiness, but there would be less of an age problem.
Problem #3: "Your uncle didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved..." --Obi-wan Kenobi, A New Hope.
OWEN DIDN'T KNOW ANAKIN, HOW COULD HE HAVE "HELD" OR NOT HELD WITH HIS IDEALS??
How to fix it: It would not have been that hard to make Owen an actual character in these films instead of a 35 second nod to the original trilogy. Suppose he was actually Anakin's brother? Or, if you prefer, a close friend, uncle, neighbor...anything but a random person he met once that one time. There might even be a scene between the two of them before Anakin leaves. Owen insists that Anakin's place is with his mother/family and that he shouldn't abandon her/them, but Anakin's ambitions and eagerness for action and glory is too strong.
One could even add an addition layer to Anakin's fall from grace by maybe having him less upset about leaving his mother. He walks away with few regrets, so her death in Episode II lies more heavily upon his guilty conscience.
Problem #4: Queen's costumes
I get it. She's royal. Pomp and circumstance, we want to have fun, unleash the recently graduated design student on a million dollar budget. BUT the costumes greatly hinder the expressiveness of the character. I have seen Natalie Portman do some fantastic work, but not in this film.
How to fix it: Lose the elaborate headdresses. I can see the poor girl can hardly move, they are just too much. Lose the red top lip-white bottom lip combo. Actors aren't going to make daring decisions if the slightest make-up smudge means cut and reset for the top of the scene. Cut the costume changes down to a reasonable number. It makes sense that she would change when she gets to New York, New York: the Planet! It doesn't make sense that she would change 5 times in the 15 minutes she spends there. Maybe she changes to look all regal before the senate, then changes into something travel worthy afterward.
Problem #5: The relationship
Anakin and Padme's relationship is stupid. There is no chemistry--because that would be creepy--and it makes for a boring movie.
How to fix it: Suppose Anakin were about her age, late teens, and there was obvious attraction. But maybe she thinks he's arrogant. Maybe he leaves his life on Southern Utah: The Planet to follow her, but she still isn't impressed. If there was a little fiery repartee between them where he's all flirty and she spurns his advances until...
Problem #6: They win by accident
Um, Anakin accidentally destroys the command ship? Really?
How to fix it: What if, in an effort to impress Padme, teenage Anakin volunteers to join the pilots in their fight? There is a shortage of fighters, so who are they to refuse him? Especially since he has already proven himself to be a great pilot. (My version still includes about a minute and a half of pod racing, but without the Hutt cameo or the annoying announcer.) It is during the battle, when the fighter pilots realize they'll never successfully penetrate the shield on the big ole ship, that Anakin hatches his own gutsy plan: to fly into the docking bay of the ship and start blowing it up from the inside. So he does, barely escaping with his life. Mayhap that is the turning point when Padme sees him in a new light. The romance is all set up to flourish in the next film.
Problem #7: The Dialogue sucks
This movie is full of highly respected actors, academy award winners, who look like wooden faced amateurs as they bumble through a multi-million dollar circus.
How to fix it: Don't let George Lucas write the script. Please, please, please, don't let him write the script. He is a genius at the big ideas, the big picture, but he doesn't know meaningful dialogue from cleverbot and a fortune cookie. Really excellent screenplays can share all the practical information necessary to explain a unique universe while still containing meaningful communication between characters that reveals truths about themselves and their relationships. This movie doesn't have that. If it did, the actors would be free to develop their characters and they would be doing so. These are highly trained professionals who study their roles, assuming there is anything to study.
Problem #8: Medichlorians (or however you spell that pathetic excuse for a word.)
Umm...What the crap?!?! According to Liam Neeson, they are "microscopic life-forms" that "tell us the will of the force." What else do the voices tell you, Liam? Do the "microscopic life-forms" tell you to do things or hurt people?
How to fix it: I thought it was quite obvious when the Imperial General in New Hope says "The Jedi are extinct. You [Darth Vader] are all that are left of that RELIGION," and Han Solo says "Hokey RELIGIONS and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." That Jedi's were like warrior monks. Jedi-ism is a RELIGION. It was their faith in a force unseen that gave them their power. Now their power comes from a biological advantage that appears at random in every race in the universe. So now it is fact, not faith, that gives them their power. Which makes no sense because LOTS of people don't believe in the force. If they can prove it, then it isn't faith. And it's stupid. What if we just leave it as a spiritual sensitivity? Jedi are what they are because they are more attune to the spiritual nature of the universe. Their faith and devotion gives them abilities that others can only imagine. Sometimes in fantasy and science fiction, it is just better to say the origin of this power/situation is mystical or otherwise unknown. Science is great, but it doesn't always make a story better.
Problem #9: Jar Jar Binks
I saved him for last because there is no way to fix him. Except...
How to fix it: Eradicate him. He never existed. If you want to have a cool race of warrior creatures and one of the members of that race join up with our heroes, fine. Do that. But don't make him a bumbling, ignorant, pathetic racist epithet so low that the KKK wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. Maybe take a leaf out of Chewbacca and R2-D2's book and have him communicate in his own language. it certainly makes more sense that him and his entire race being fluent in toddler english. Replace Gun-gans with a different group of peoples/creatures. A group less offensive to real people in this universe. A group of people who don't refer to themselves as "meesa," who never stick out their tongue and say "How wood," and who, under no circumstance, would be caught dead saying the phrase "ex-squeeze-me."
Problem #1: Anakin's age
He's too young to fit the description of him found in A New Hope and he's too young for the lady type casted opposite him.
How to fix it: Anakin should be a teenager, 15 or 16, so he can be old enough to have a sense of social injustice. How fitting if he were an angst-ridden teen with a lot of charisma and arrogance. Obi-wan Kenobi (The Alec Guiness one) describes him as being a great pilot and being idealistic. Suppose he is a slave--as he was in the film--but with a real sense that the world treats him wrong. He feels that he deserves better and he's angry that his lot in life is so low.
Problem #2: Ewan McGregor
A very talented actor, but too young to play Obi-wan Kenobi. How am I supposed to believe that he went from Ewan McGregor (mid-30's) to Alec Guiness (mid-70's) In the two decades it took for Luke and Leia to reach adulthood?
How to fix it: It would have made more sense to cast Liam Neeson as Obi-wan. He may not look a thing like Alec Guiness, but there would be less of an age problem.
Problem #3: "Your uncle didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved..." --Obi-wan Kenobi, A New Hope.
OWEN DIDN'T KNOW ANAKIN, HOW COULD HE HAVE "HELD" OR NOT HELD WITH HIS IDEALS??
How to fix it: It would not have been that hard to make Owen an actual character in these films instead of a 35 second nod to the original trilogy. Suppose he was actually Anakin's brother? Or, if you prefer, a close friend, uncle, neighbor...anything but a random person he met once that one time. There might even be a scene between the two of them before Anakin leaves. Owen insists that Anakin's place is with his mother/family and that he shouldn't abandon her/them, but Anakin's ambitions and eagerness for action and glory is too strong.
One could even add an addition layer to Anakin's fall from grace by maybe having him less upset about leaving his mother. He walks away with few regrets, so her death in Episode II lies more heavily upon his guilty conscience.
Problem #4: Queen's costumes
I get it. She's royal. Pomp and circumstance, we want to have fun, unleash the recently graduated design student on a million dollar budget. BUT the costumes greatly hinder the expressiveness of the character. I have seen Natalie Portman do some fantastic work, but not in this film.
How to fix it: Lose the elaborate headdresses. I can see the poor girl can hardly move, they are just too much. Lose the red top lip-white bottom lip combo. Actors aren't going to make daring decisions if the slightest make-up smudge means cut and reset for the top of the scene. Cut the costume changes down to a reasonable number. It makes sense that she would change when she gets to New York, New York: the Planet! It doesn't make sense that she would change 5 times in the 15 minutes she spends there. Maybe she changes to look all regal before the senate, then changes into something travel worthy afterward.
Problem #5: The relationship
Anakin and Padme's relationship is stupid. There is no chemistry--because that would be creepy--and it makes for a boring movie.
How to fix it: Suppose Anakin were about her age, late teens, and there was obvious attraction. But maybe she thinks he's arrogant. Maybe he leaves his life on Southern Utah: The Planet to follow her, but she still isn't impressed. If there was a little fiery repartee between them where he's all flirty and she spurns his advances until...
Problem #6: They win by accident
Um, Anakin accidentally destroys the command ship? Really?
How to fix it: What if, in an effort to impress Padme, teenage Anakin volunteers to join the pilots in their fight? There is a shortage of fighters, so who are they to refuse him? Especially since he has already proven himself to be a great pilot. (My version still includes about a minute and a half of pod racing, but without the Hutt cameo or the annoying announcer.) It is during the battle, when the fighter pilots realize they'll never successfully penetrate the shield on the big ole ship, that Anakin hatches his own gutsy plan: to fly into the docking bay of the ship and start blowing it up from the inside. So he does, barely escaping with his life. Mayhap that is the turning point when Padme sees him in a new light. The romance is all set up to flourish in the next film.
Problem #7: The Dialogue sucks
This movie is full of highly respected actors, academy award winners, who look like wooden faced amateurs as they bumble through a multi-million dollar circus.
How to fix it: Don't let George Lucas write the script. Please, please, please, don't let him write the script. He is a genius at the big ideas, the big picture, but he doesn't know meaningful dialogue from cleverbot and a fortune cookie. Really excellent screenplays can share all the practical information necessary to explain a unique universe while still containing meaningful communication between characters that reveals truths about themselves and their relationships. This movie doesn't have that. If it did, the actors would be free to develop their characters and they would be doing so. These are highly trained professionals who study their roles, assuming there is anything to study.
Problem #8: Medichlorians (or however you spell that pathetic excuse for a word.)
Umm...What the crap?!?! According to Liam Neeson, they are "microscopic life-forms" that "tell us the will of the force." What else do the voices tell you, Liam? Do the "microscopic life-forms" tell you to do things or hurt people?
How to fix it: I thought it was quite obvious when the Imperial General in New Hope says "The Jedi are extinct. You [Darth Vader] are all that are left of that RELIGION," and Han Solo says "Hokey RELIGIONS and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." That Jedi's were like warrior monks. Jedi-ism is a RELIGION. It was their faith in a force unseen that gave them their power. Now their power comes from a biological advantage that appears at random in every race in the universe. So now it is fact, not faith, that gives them their power. Which makes no sense because LOTS of people don't believe in the force. If they can prove it, then it isn't faith. And it's stupid. What if we just leave it as a spiritual sensitivity? Jedi are what they are because they are more attune to the spiritual nature of the universe. Their faith and devotion gives them abilities that others can only imagine. Sometimes in fantasy and science fiction, it is just better to say the origin of this power/situation is mystical or otherwise unknown. Science is great, but it doesn't always make a story better.
Problem #9: Jar Jar Binks
I saved him for last because there is no way to fix him. Except...
How to fix it: Eradicate him. He never existed. If you want to have a cool race of warrior creatures and one of the members of that race join up with our heroes, fine. Do that. But don't make him a bumbling, ignorant, pathetic racist epithet so low that the KKK wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. Maybe take a leaf out of Chewbacca and R2-D2's book and have him communicate in his own language. it certainly makes more sense that him and his entire race being fluent in toddler english. Replace Gun-gans with a different group of peoples/creatures. A group less offensive to real people in this universe. A group of people who don't refer to themselves as "meesa," who never stick out their tongue and say "How wood," and who, under no circumstance, would be caught dead saying the phrase "ex-squeeze-me."
Graduating and Such
I guess I will post some pictures from graduation, even though it was over a month ago. Now you can all tell me how flattering the frumpy robes are and how great I look in a quad-corner hat.
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| Mom and I at my apartment before heading up to campus. |
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| My walk of glory. I don't know who that lady is, but she complimented my Grandma Mary pin, so she's okay. |
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| The picture Dad has been waiting to take for five years. |
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| Grrr...That stupid hat ruined my hair! |
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| And here's Lee and I, posing momentarily for a picture. but we couldn't wait for long because there is aggie ice cream waiting for us at the end of that hallway! |
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The "Big" Move
I keep thinking I will post on this blog about our move...but I haven't yet. Oh, haven't you heard? Lee and I have moved to a new, quirky, and old-timey basement apartment. We're still in Logan, only about a 4 blocks from where we used to live, but now we can walk to Smith's, Hastings, the Temple, and Jamba Juice!
As an incentive for all of you who have yet to come and visit us I will tell you this: there is a secret chamber, or "Chamber of Secrets" in our apartment. If you come and visit us, you will be permitted to search the house for it and if you can't find it, Lee will use his "Heir of Slytherin" magic to show you where it is. In short, the first thing we do when you come to our house is going to be a game of hide-and-go-seek.
As an incentive for all of you who have yet to come and visit us I will tell you this: there is a secret chamber, or "Chamber of Secrets" in our apartment. If you come and visit us, you will be permitted to search the house for it and if you can't find it, Lee will use his "Heir of Slytherin" magic to show you where it is. In short, the first thing we do when you come to our house is going to be a game of hide-and-go-seek.
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