Episode III: R____ of the (insert warrior title here)

I hope you are looking at that title and saying, "I see what you did there." There are tremendous problems with this final film. Huge! But I have salvaged it by essentially re-writing the whole plot!

Problem #1: Pow! Wow...
There are, once again, more action sequences than make sense. The settings of some of the scenes are so ridiculously dramatic that they distract from the drama. I assume Lucas did this to make sure no one noticed there was no drama or passion in the story. We noticed.
How to fix it: Remove the whole opening sequence. Scrap it. The Emperor never got "kidnapped." It was a stupid way to cram too much noise and visual effects into the first 10 minutes. Once again, remove ALL Yoda fight choreography. In my version, Yoda is still portrayed by puppeteering legend Frank Oz in voice and in action. Put the remaining fight scenes in settings that are less ridiculous. No volcano, stop having Obi-wan fall impossible distances and walk away without a single injury, and stop with the "light saber escalation!" Ever since Darth Maul had a double-edged light saber, there has been an increase in the number of light sabers used in fights. Four? Seriously? And as long as I'm on the subject, why is Darth Maul the only one with a unique design for his light saber? I would assume that Jedi would all have distinct weapons that take advantage of their anatomical structure, fighting style and...you know what? Nevermind. I digress. Take away the entire fight/chase with Obi-wan and General Coughing Robot. In fact...

Problem #2: A New Villain? Really?
General Grievous is a stupid wasted character. If you still needed an extra villain, then don't kill off the last one! Why is there a new appendage bad guy in every film? A good villain is hard to come by. In the Star Wars universe, Sith Lords and their mindless accomplices seem to be a dime-a-dozen.
How to fix it: Get rid of the character. If Palpatine was never kidnapped, then Dooku was never killed. And, as we all remember, Dooku is also not a Sith; he is just an idealist led astray. What if instead, Obi-wan and Samuel L. Jackson are sent on a mission to capture Dooku so they can establish a peaceful end to the civil war. A little light espionage and some moderate light saber vs. droid action later, he is in custody. They begin to interrogate him and they learn all that he knows or has been lead to believe. They find out he has been lied to about the Jedi, but that he also believes the Republic is being ruled over by a Sith Lord. Once they convince Dooku that they are not there to assassinate him, they being to do some detective work to uncover the truth. Why was there a clone army ready for the Republic's use right when Dooku had enough followers to have a potential civil war? Why would someone have lied about the Jedi to Dooku and what did they have to gain by keeping him in the dark?...

Problem #3: Ultra-Sounds
So you expect me to believe that a society that has achieved light speed travel to other planets, mind controlled prosthetics, and droids that can creatively problem solve, understand humor, and have definite personalities, DOESN'T HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY TO RECOGNIZE THAT A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING TWINS??????!?!?!?!??!
How to fix it: She just finds out that she is probably pregnant when Anakin goes evil. He finds out she's pregnant but she is at such an early stage of pregnancy that there is no way to tell she is having twins. Like, the early enough stage that she wouldn't have told anyone except her husband.

Problem #4: The Journey to the Dark Side
The concept that Anakin just turns to the dark side to learn how to keep Padme from maybe dying is so stupid that I can't even explain how pathetic it is. It's like...stupider than adding an extended musical number into Return of the Jedi. It's stupider than casting a nine year old in a Star Wars movie and having him say "Yipeee!" repeatedly. It's almost as stupid as medichloreans!!
How to fix it: This is the part where I re-write the entire plot. Anakin has been spending a lot of time with the chancellor for one reason or another. He complains that he hasn't been advanced to the rank of Jedi Master yet. Keep in mind that his marriage isn't a secret and that the Jedi have no rule against getting married or falling in love. It just so happens that most Jedi don't get married because they are "married to their work" so to speak. Palpatine plants in Anakin's mind that the council haven't advanced him because they doubt his dedication. He convinces him that the Jedi look down on him for being a family man and not just a career man. That isn't the real reason, but it's what Anakin thinks. Add that to the perceived betrayal by Obi-wan that I planted into the previous film, and this Anakin is filled with frustration about his professional life. I think it's safe to assume that causes some domestic troubles. Eventually Palpatine would convince Anakin that Padme's life is somehow in danger from the Jedi. He would provide a way for Padme to die and make it look like it was at the hands of the jedi. The fact is,   Palpatine would gain more control over Anakin if Padme were dead. He wouldn't have to fight for his apprentices devotion if his wife is out of the picture. But, Anakin manages to save Padme and probably kill whichever Jedi was close enough to look like the culprit. Palpatine pushes him to use his anger to his advantage and become more powerful blah blah blah... Anakin is further convinced that the Jedi are secretly out to get him and his wife, and that they have been manipulating him.
Anakin is asked to help lead an attack on the Jedi Temple--as occurs in the film--but it's not so much a slaughter as it is a regular old fight and a lot of Jedi get away. There are no extremely small children there because I decided in my last post that no one under 12 is admitted to the Jedi order.
It is at this point when Obi-wan arrives on the scene. He tells Anakin that Palpatine is a Sith, Anakin thinks Obi-wan is trying to manipulate him further. Maybe Anakin and Obi-wan have their confrontation at this point and they fight until Anakin is severely injured. This does NOT occur inside a volcano, so close to the lava that spontaneous combustion is unavoidable. There are NO ridiculous scenes of fighting while swinging from ropes or on moving platforms. This fight is about Obi-wan pleading with Anakin to believe him and Anakin being too full of rage to see the truth. Anakin is badly hurt, but Obi-wan can't bring himself to end kill his apprentice. So he goes to the Jedi Temple to find out what happened. It is then when he learns the full extend of Anakin's betrayal.

Problem #5: Drama
At no point in this movie does Lucas take advantage of the talent of his actors. He puts them in sterile green screen environments and has them pretend to do stunts. He never raises the emotional stakes to a point where I feel anything for anyone on screen and I don't see them feel anything either.
How to fix it: Obviously, fixing this includes fixing the script, the directing, and the design of the film. I am just going to select a specific moment wherein I saw a missed opportunity for real drama. If you are a Gone with the Wind fan, you may remember a scene where Scarlet is helping as a nurse in a church-turned-hospital. She is asked to assist a doctor with an amputation. There is no medication to ease the pain of the soldier fated to lose a limb. We don't see the amputation, we hear the soldier screaming and pleading for the doctors "Don't cut!! Please!!" while the camera is trained on Vivien Leigh's face. You see the whole horror of the event without seeing a drop of blood, because she is so stricken with fear and disgust. When Obi-wan sees on the security footage at the Jedi Temple, that Anakin had betrayed the Jedi by brutally murdering their disciples, I want to see that kind of drama play out on his face. I don't want to see any of the footage, I already know how it played out, I just want to see Obi-wan overwhelmed with the pain of Anakin's betrayal.

Problem #6: The Mass Jedi Execution
It's not realistic that they would just be like "yep, we got 'em all at the same time." How embarrassing for the Jedi! And I could have sworn that in the original films Obi-wan says that Darth Vader hunted the Jedi to extinction.
How to fix it: Some of the Jedi escape and go into hiding, but they are trying to contact each other and find a way to save the galaxy etc. After seeing what Anakin has become, Obi-wan speaks with Padme and she is maybe in shock, but has known for a little while that Anakin has been changing. She still loves him, but because she has just found out she is pregnant, she sets the safety of her child above her own happiness and agrees to go into hiding. The Emperor tells Anakin that Obi-wan has kidnapped Padme for revenge, and so Anakin goes out trying to find them. He hunts down each of the Jedi and kills them because he believes they kidnapped his wife and may have murder her. He is looking for Obi-wan so he can fulfill his revenge.

Problem #7: Padme's death
Of course we know she is dead because Leia says, "She died when I was very young." What Leia doesn't say is, "She died before I could remember her. Even though I am about to tell you I remember her as being very beautiful but sad." Because, that's right, Leia REMEMBERS HER MOTHER!! So obviously the ending of the film is flawed. Deeply. It is pathetic that a woman with an ounce of humanity would "lose the will to live" if the love of her life left or died if she had something still left to live for, namely HER CHILDREN!!! I'm sorry, but most women will turn into Scorpion-bears when their children are threatened, and rightly so. I find it offensive that she wouldn't love her children enough to stay alive for them when she is perfectly capable of doing so.
How to fix it: Padme gives birth to the twins while in hiding. After a long talk with Obi-wan and Yoda, she realizes the wisdom of separating her children to protect them. Here is another great opportunity for intense drama: Padme saying good-bye to her infant son. Luke is taken to Southern Utah: The Planet, and Leia stays with her mother. Presumably, the rebellion is formed in the early years of the empire by the Organa's and Padme would probably be at the thick of it. I assume when Leia is 3 or 4 the Empire finds the rebel base where Padme and Leia are hidden. Padme probably hides her daughter somewhere and is killed by Imperial troops. The Organa's find and rescue Leia after the fact and never tell her how her mother died. Anakin, now Darth Vader, is told that the rebels killed his wife when the Imperial troops arrived to rescue her.

Problem #8: NOOOOOOO!
No one says that. Ever. Not one distressed, angry, injured, or heart broken person has ever prolongedly screamed the word "no" as an expression of their pain.
How to fix it: When people are mad, they scream and break things. When people are sad, they cry and sob. When people are injured, they just scream, clench their teeth, or sob and cry. Have Darth Vader do one of those things.

Problem #9: Weird cameos
I love a good cameo as much as the next person. I also happen to be a big fan of Chewbacca. The role that Wookies play in this film is unnecessary and nonsensical. Why would Yoda know Chewy? What purpose does that serve? It's just as stupid as Anakin building a protocol droid that looks exactly like other protocol droids when a protocol droid would be completely useless to someone who isn't into protocol.
How to fix it: Put characters that would actually have interacted with each other into scenes where they interact with each other. I would prefer to see a young Private Ackbar, perhaps. Or if you're gonna have a Chewbacca cameo, stick him with criminals somewhere.

Final Thoughts: Yeah, I can find more problems with this Trilogy than I have patience to correct. But, in the end, it makes me feel better to know that it's fixable. I guess I'm glad that young kids can still get excited about Star Wars the same way I did. But if any of those little punks tell me the new ones are better than the old ones, I will beat the tar out of them with a light saber until they take it back.