Episode I: How it should have started

Lee and I are in the midst of a Star Wars marathon. I rarely watch episodes I-III because they tend to trigger a depression so bleak that only several hours of cuddling with a kitten can reverse it. I am going to attempt to stave off depression by imagining my own version of this trilogy. I will share it with you, reader, because I can.

Problem #1: Anakin's age
He's too young to fit the description of him found in A New Hope and he's too young for the lady type casted opposite him.
How to fix it: Anakin should be a teenager, 15 or 16, so he can be old enough to have a sense of social injustice. How fitting if he were an angst-ridden teen with a lot of charisma and arrogance. Obi-wan Kenobi (The Alec Guiness one) describes him as being a great pilot and being idealistic. Suppose he is a slave--as he was in the film--but with a real sense that the world treats him wrong. He feels that he deserves better and he's angry that his lot in life is so low.

Problem #2: Ewan McGregor
A very talented actor, but too young to play Obi-wan Kenobi. How am I supposed to believe that he went from Ewan McGregor (mid-30's) to Alec Guiness (mid-70's) In the two decades it took for Luke and Leia to reach adulthood?
How to fix it: It would have made more sense to cast Liam Neeson as Obi-wan. He may not look a thing like Alec Guiness, but there would be less of an age problem.

Problem #3: "Your uncle didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved..." --Obi-wan Kenobi, A New Hope.
OWEN DIDN'T KNOW ANAKIN, HOW COULD HE HAVE "HELD" OR NOT HELD WITH HIS IDEALS??
How to fix it: It would not have been that hard to make Owen an actual character in these films instead of a 35 second nod to the original trilogy. Suppose he was actually Anakin's brother? Or, if you prefer, a close friend, uncle, neighbor...anything but a random person he met once that one time. There might even be a scene between the two of them before Anakin leaves. Owen insists that Anakin's place is with his mother/family and that he shouldn't abandon her/them, but Anakin's ambitions and eagerness for action and glory is too strong.
One could even add an addition layer to Anakin's fall from grace by maybe having him less upset about leaving his mother. He walks away with few regrets, so her death in Episode II lies more heavily upon his guilty conscience.

Problem #4: Queen's costumes
I get it. She's royal. Pomp and circumstance, we want to have fun, unleash the recently graduated design student on a million dollar budget. BUT the costumes greatly hinder the expressiveness of the character. I have seen Natalie Portman do some fantastic work, but not in this film.
How to fix it: Lose the elaborate headdresses. I can see the poor girl can hardly move, they are just too much. Lose the red top lip-white bottom lip combo. Actors aren't going to make daring decisions if the slightest make-up smudge means cut and reset for the top of the scene. Cut the costume changes down to a reasonable number. It makes sense that she would change when she gets to New York, New York: the Planet! It doesn't make sense that she would change 5 times in the 15 minutes she spends there. Maybe she changes to look all regal before the senate, then changes into something travel worthy afterward.

Problem #5: The relationship
Anakin and Padme's relationship is stupid. There is no chemistry--because that would be creepy--and it makes for a boring movie.
How to fix it: Suppose Anakin were about her age, late teens, and there was obvious attraction. But maybe she thinks he's arrogant. Maybe he leaves his life on Southern Utah: The Planet to follow her, but she still isn't impressed. If there was a little fiery repartee between them where he's all flirty and she spurns his advances until...

Problem #6: They win by accident
Um, Anakin accidentally destroys the command ship? Really?
How to fix it: What if, in an effort to impress Padme, teenage Anakin volunteers to join the pilots in their fight? There is a shortage of fighters, so who are they to refuse him? Especially since he has already proven himself to be a great pilot. (My version still includes about a minute and a half of pod racing, but without the Hutt cameo or the annoying announcer.) It is during the battle, when the fighter pilots realize they'll never successfully penetrate the shield on the big ole ship, that Anakin hatches his own gutsy plan: to fly into the docking bay of the ship and start blowing it up from the inside. So he does, barely escaping with his life. Mayhap that is the turning point when Padme sees him in a new light. The romance is all set up to flourish in the next film.

Problem #7: The Dialogue sucks
This movie is full of highly respected actors, academy award winners, who look like wooden faced amateurs as they bumble through a multi-million dollar circus.
How to fix it: Don't let George Lucas write the script. Please, please, please, don't let him write the script. He is a genius at the big ideas, the big picture, but he doesn't know meaningful dialogue from cleverbot and a fortune cookie. Really excellent screenplays can share all the practical information necessary to explain a unique universe while still containing meaningful communication between characters that reveals truths about themselves and their relationships. This movie doesn't have that. If it did, the actors would be free to develop their characters and they would be doing so. These are highly trained professionals who study their roles, assuming there is anything to study.

Problem #8: Medichlorians (or however you spell that pathetic excuse for a word.)
Umm...What the crap?!?! According to Liam Neeson, they are "microscopic life-forms" that "tell us the will of the force." What else do the voices tell you, Liam? Do the "microscopic life-forms" tell you to do things or hurt people?
How to fix it: I thought it was quite obvious when the Imperial General in New Hope says "The Jedi are extinct. You [Darth Vader] are all that are left of that RELIGION," and Han Solo says "Hokey RELIGIONS and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid." That Jedi's were like warrior monks. Jedi-ism is a RELIGION. It was their faith in a force unseen that gave them their power. Now their power comes from a biological advantage that appears at random in every race in the universe. So now it is fact, not faith, that gives them their power. Which makes no sense because LOTS of people don't believe in the force. If they can prove it, then it isn't faith. And it's stupid. What if we just leave it as a spiritual sensitivity? Jedi are what they are because they are more attune to the spiritual nature of the universe. Their faith and devotion gives them abilities that others can only imagine. Sometimes in fantasy and science fiction, it is just better to say the origin of this power/situation is mystical or otherwise unknown. Science is great, but it doesn't always make a story better.

Problem #9: Jar Jar Binks
I saved him for last because there is no way to fix him. Except...
How to fix it: Eradicate him. He never existed. If you want to have a cool race of warrior creatures and one of the members of that race join up with our heroes, fine. Do that. But don't make him a bumbling, ignorant, pathetic racist epithet so low that the KKK wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. Maybe take a leaf out of Chewbacca and R2-D2's book and have him communicate in his own language. it certainly makes more sense that him and his entire race being fluent in toddler english. Replace Gun-gans with a different group of peoples/creatures. A group less offensive to real people in this universe. A group of people who don't refer to themselves as "meesa," who never stick out their tongue and say "How wood," and who, under no circumstance, would be caught dead saying the phrase "ex-squeeze-me."