Between Arizona summer, pregnancy, and new baby, I have watched a crap ton of kids shows on Netflix in the past year. I am now an expert at kids television and my expertise has come at a terrible cost. The world needs to know what titles to avoid and in which to encourage avid fandom in your child. So here is the skinny on what to include--or not--on your Netflix queue.
Category 1: Movies you as a parent will legitimately enjoy.
Any given Disney/animated movie from your childhood is a good choice. Some will still be great, others you loved as a kid and only realize now how weird they are. Either way a spoonful of nostalgia helps the insane A/C unit go down! (I'm talking about you, Brave Little Toaster).
Voltron: Legendary Defender, Phineas and Ferb, Animaniacs, and A Series of Unfortunate Events are all shows I actively encourage Paul to watch because they are delightful.
Category 2: Shows that won't drive you insane if they play incessantly in the background of your life.
Octonauts- A crew of giant-headed animals who explore the ocean and meet animals in improbable ways. Physics, biology? These are inconsequential to the almighty Octonauts!
Dinotrux- Dinosaurs who are construction equipment, presumably some evolutionary forerunner to the Transformers. This show gets bonus points for being a Netflix Original so there is no chance that will suddenly be removed from streaming and leave you with a an angry fan child.
Storybots- Small squarish characters--apparently they are robots--who answer kid's questions. Questions like, "Why is the sky blue?" Lots of catchy songs and sundry silliness. I'd buy the soundtrack.
Ninjago and Lego- Lego ninjas. They fight snakes, mostly. All of the animated Lego cartoons I've seen have the great quality of not taking themselves too seriously. The Lego super hero cartoons and Lego Jurassic World are pretty funny and your kids will love them if they are into super guys or dinosaurs. They are the non-violent, non-scary alternative to the grown up movie versions.
Rescuebots- Roll to the rescue! Transformers who are rescue vehicles. There really isn't much more to it than that. Heavy on the humor, light on the peril, so perfect for your kid and I find this show remarkably easy to ignore.
Foreign Languaged Anything- If you pay too close attention to these shows they will drive you nuts, but listening to television in any language you don't speak is pleasantly easy to ignore. Paul has unearthed a number of Japanese, Korean, and Spanish language children's shows that are so easy to ignore, I don't even know what they are called or what they are about. AND I can pretend they are educational!
Category 3: Shows to never, ever, ever, ever watch. Ever.
Animal Mechanical- This is one of the worst, just the worst, things I have ever had to listen to. Weird mechanical creatures that have special skills that are all referred to as "mechana-gizmo!" "mechana-stretch!" The voices are the worst. The script barely makes sense, the animation barely reaches N-64 levels. It is just no bueno.
Sonic Underground- Did you ever play Sonic the Hedgehog and think, "You know what? I wish Sonic were in a band." Well if you did you'll be happy to know that in this animated series Sonic inexplicably has two siblings and the three of them play cheesy early 90's rock/pop songs. Apparently, Sonic is exiled royalty or something? Well I do recommend sitting through a couple episodes so you can enjoy the nostalgia of what "cool" sounded like 20 years ago.
Pac-Man- If you watched Sonic Underground thinking it was kind of crappily entertaining--like how "Plan 9 From Outer Space" is kinda fun to watch--you might be tempted to watch the Pac-Man cartoon thinking it will be similar. It's not. It is so much worse. It is so bad I couldn't finish the first episode.
Bratz Super Babies- This show straight up offends me. The animation is disturbing in its badness, the premise is stupid, but I think what I hate most of all is the Bratz doll look on "babies." They tried to make sexy babies and that sickens me, upsets me, and enrages me for so many reasons that I think every episode should be burned from existence with Balefire. Infact, I almost hate that this show is appearing in a category along with these other crappy shows. It belongs in the same category as Mein Kampf and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
She-zow- A boy who is a super hero who is a girl. This show confuses me. Should I be offended on behalf of Transgender people? Or is this treatment of gender bending totally kosher now? I don't know, I just think it is stupid.
Super Why, Sid the Science Kid, Bo on the Go, Word Party, Kate and Mim Mim, and many others- These shows are run of the mill crappy. The voices annoying, the plots non-existent, the music irritatingly difficult to tune out.What earned them placement in this category is the animation. I HATE, HATE, HATE the way the characters move. They do not respond to gravity properly, their joints are...wrong. Watching the Barney like flailing of Sid, Bo's bizarre "dancing", and those poor Super Readers trying to move with no joints and watermelons for heads, gives me the heebie jeebies.
There are really SO MANY terrible shows for children, I wish Netflix had a "block this show so I never have to see it again" button.
The good news is that many of those shows won't stay there forever. The bad news is many good shows will also get the axe. Yes, I am still sore over losing Wild Kratts. WE HADN'T GOTTEN THROUGH ALL THE SEASONS YET! Well, here's to hoping the creator of Bratz Super Babiesbgets arrested and the 4th season of Voltron is coming out soon.
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