Life Lesson #15

Life Lesson #15: Real friendships and relationships can be replaced by a television series.

Since I got home for the summer, most of my friends are:

A) In Logan

B) At work

C) On missions

D) Crazy

I have been left to myself and, therefore, have to get my social interactions from sources that are...somewhat fictional. The spectrum of coping with loneliness is as follows:

I am stuck somewhere in Stage Three. Through a variety of programs, I get my fix for all my social groups, therefore, I miss out on nothing.

Chuck: By watching Adam Baldwin portray a super-muscled, gun-wielding, grouchy-but-attractive, super-spy, I no longer need to meet or look at real-life eye candy.

Big-Bang Theory: I no longer miss my exceptionally intelligent/nerdy friends. It's like I get hang out with them and have Star Wars/LOTR/Firefly/Harry Potter/Jaws marathons even though I never leave my house.

Glee: This show fills the empty place in my heart that being in Choirs/Musicals/Operas would usually fill. Sue Sylvester is like Jean Maguire--my high school choir director--and all the kids on the show are the kids I go to school with and have gone to school with for the better part of my natural life.

30 Rock: It's a little like being at improv because of the wide variety of colorful characters. In fact, each episode is like a 20 minute Stir Fry! (Most of my readers don't know what that means. That's okay. Just overlook it.)

Psych: This one makes me feel like I'm back with my roommates; pulling some ridiculous shennanigans, and referencing movies no one else has seen. Tricia, Kelsha; I miss you guys.

I may be nearing actual insanity, but I'm not there yet. If I decide to write a novella, consider it a cry for help. Do an intervention.

I hope you still remember what MST3K stands for...

Life Lesson #14: Some books/movies are great. Some other books/movies involve Stephanie Meyer.

I realize that Twilight has already been heckled into the ground by much wittier folks than myself, but I could not resist the chance to take a crack at it. I have done a bit of research and gathered some charts to help communicate my point. I feel that this very scientific approach will help strengthen my argument and that of those who spoke before me. So, without further ado, here is my scientific and well researched evidence against Twilight and it's "author."

Exhibit A: Twilight is part of the problem of low literacy rates, not the solution. People who read it are not literate enough to understand it. Obviously. People who can't read at all, must think if something that involves sparkling monsters of the night made it to the New York Times best seller list, books can't be that great anyway.

Exhibit B: Edward is creepy.

Exhibit C: Twilight possesses none of the traits that make for a great work of fiction.

Exhibit D: Twilight is read primarily by teenage girls, not our most discerning or insightful demographic.

It is this same demographic the movies are targeting...

Exhibit E: In twenty years, no one will remember it.

I feel as though I have presented evidence enough to prove my point. But if you are still not convinced or would like to make further mockery of this bizarre cultural phenomenon, I suggest visiting rifftrax.com there you can download and purchase mp3 tracks to play along with some of your favorite--or least favorite--movies. All the tracks feature our favorite voices from the MST3K TV series and Movie. I bought the Twilight mp3 and have laughed my brain off at Stephanie Meyers expense ever since. I guess Twilight has some redeeming qualities, they just happen to be the same redeeming qualities that one might find in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Star Wars Episode I, and other productions of similar caliber.

And soup, and soup, and soup...

Video of the Week:

I forgot to provide a video with my last post. Here is the video that you need to see this week! For all of you who love a good infomercial or hate a bad one, I present to you:

Spoons

Thirteen and a half life lessons later...

Life Lesson #13: The number thirteen is not unlucky.

Evidence: This is my 13th life lesson and there is nothing wrong with it.

Life Lesson #13.5: There is no comeback in a rhetorical battle for your opponent when he/she says "You're Poopy!"

A Rhetorical Example:

The names might have been changed to protect the involved parties.

Claire: It's a free country! You're not the boss of me!

Grace: You're not the boss of me!

Claire: I am when you're Mom isn't here! OH Snap!

Grace: You're Poopy!

Claire: Dag.

It simply isn't fair! I thought the comeback to end all comebacks was "I know what you are, but what am I?" Apparently the world of children's insult wars has moved on from where it was in my day...I am so out of my depth with kids these days! How will I ever maintain being the coolest Aunt? How can I convince your children that I am cool? Any suggestions?

No life lessons learned.

I chose to learned nothing this week. But, I did find an hilarious Youtube video!

Video of the Week: Trololo

This video is, once again, a whole different brand of funny as anything I've posted before. I cannot express why it's so funny to me, but the music just cracks me up!

Life Lesson #12

Life Lesson #12: Sometimes the best way to be nice is to be a jerk.

Good time to be a Jerk: When this weirdie creeper guy from Ogden hits on you so you tell him, in the bluntest way possible, that you are really only interested in dating guys who are returned missionaries who want to get married in the Temple. Being a jerk is effective at this time because he probably won't call you back.

Bad time to be a Jerk: When a poor college student working a crappy job doing phone surveys calls and asks you about the car service at a dealership you just had. She didn't know you were eating dinner/had been called a million times/wasn't interested/hated being kind and charitable to your fellow men and enjoy throwing kittens into ovens and taking candy from babies. Being a jerk isn't effective at this time because she might have had a bad day and is feeling vindictive so she schedules a call back for you in exactly one hour. If you had just taken the stupid 2 minute survey, you'd be done. If you had politely asked to be put on the do not call list, you'd be done. But now you will have to explain to some other poor college student that you enjoy eating humanitarian aid kits for disaster victims for breakfast and would sell you children's souls to the devil to avoid a bad day in the stock market. You would just be making a whole lot of work for yourself that all could have been avoided if you only knew the appropriate time to be a jerk.